


Until We Get It Right

by orphan_account



Category: Big Time Rush
Genre: Angst, F/M, Future Fic, Kid Fic, M/M, Mild Language, bigtimebang
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-08
Updated: 2012-09-08
Packaged: 2017-12-06 12:47:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 34,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/735877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five years ago, when Big Time Rush ended, Logan made the choice to leave Los Angeles to figure out what he wanted to do with his life. He wasn't prepared for how difficult it was going to be without the other guys there beside him. Fast foward to now. It's been five years since Logan's had any kind of contact with the guys. He's back in Minnesota, struggling through his classes to get his teaching degree when he's given the news that BTR is having a reunion concert. Though he’s far from ready, he's forced to face everything he left behind, the friendships he's damaged, his relationship with James (that technically wasn’t ended), and, he somehow has to introduce them to his 4 year old daughter, Lizzie.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Title from “Wishbone”, _Crush_ by Richard Siken.

Prologue

It’s not that he didn’t expect this; he did. It was inevitable. Five years doing something he had never intended to do, putting his own hopes and dreams on the back-burner, and even though what he had longed to be all those years ago isn’t exactly what he wants now, it’s one of the reasons James is okay letting Logan go.

Okay, no, he’s resolutely _not_ okay, but there’s not much he can do, and as much as he wants to hold onto Logan and tell him that no, he doesn’t want him to go, he can’t, won’t, do that to Logan. Logan’s done so much for him that it’s only natural James allows Logan the same. Logan deserves it, after all.

Being a star, being in the limelight, it was nothing Logan had ever wanted, up until he was thrust into it and even then it took him some acclimating. But now, now he has no idea what he wants, and barely has an idea of who he is now. Priorities and goals have all shifted, to what, he doesn’t know, but James is willing to let Logan figure that out for himself, out there in the great wide world with none of them at his side.

Logan stands, fidgeting with his hands beside the bed, their bed, the same one they’ve shared for years, biting his lip as he looks from his packed suitcases to James, who’s standing in the doorway, looking back at Logan with a watery smile.

“That’s everything,” Logan says softly, running a hand over the worn fabric of his hockey duffelbag.

“Need some help?” James asks, pushing away from the doorway with his shoulder.

“Yeah, thanks,” Logan replies, grabbing what he can and heading out the door, James following behind him with the rest of his luggage.

Everything’s quiet as they get Logan’s car packed up, fitting all of it into the trunk. Everything feels stilted, awkward, like they don’t know each other inside and out, like they haven’t spent the better part of their lives growing up together, being together, in love with each other.

It was easier for Logan to say goodbye to Kendall and Carlos because while they’re two of his best friends and they’ve known each other almost as long as Logan and James have, they don’t quite have the same history. Sure, it was a tear-filled goodbye, but nothing like this, nothing like the feeling of having part of your heart, your soul, ripped away, heading off to who knows where.

They stand inches apart by the trunk of the car, Logan’s gaze fixed on the pavement, James’ gaze fixed on Logan.

“So, um, I guess I’ll see you later,” James says, mustering every ounce of courage he can so he won’t break the fuck down.

“Yeah, you will.” Logan says it like a promise, like no matter what happens, where his journey takes him, he’ll be back, he’ll see James again.

James steps forward, wrapping Logan in his arms, hugging him tightly. “I love you,” he says softly into Logan’s ear, a stray tear sliding down his cheek.

“I love you, too,” Logan says, and then he’s pushing James away, slamming the trunk of the car shut and running to the driver seat, throwing himself inside because he needs to get away as fast as he can. If he doesn’t, he knows he’ll stay, knows that the sad look in James’ eyes will have him dragging his suitcases back inside and promising to never leave, and he can’t have that. This is something he needs to do, no matter how much it hurts him.

He drives and pulls over on the next street, pulling his phone out and sending a quick text to Kendall and Carlos: _take care of James, please._

It’s not that he plans on cutting off contact with them; obviously he’ll still call them as much as he can, but to find himself, he can’t constantly depend on them to be there every second of every day, even though he knows they’d be there in a heartbeat if he needed them.

The more he drives, the further away from home he gets, he starts wondering if this is the smart thing to do, if this is what he really needs. All he’s ever needed was James, and it should’ve been enough, it should still be enough, but somehow it’s not. He’s changed, they’ve all changed. They’ve grown up, they’re not the same people they once were, and now that they’re out of the spotlight, no longer Big Time Rush, who they are isn’t who they were, and while the other three are confident in finding their way in the city of Los Angeles, Logan knows it’s not for him, not even with the promise of James by his side.

He presses down on the accelerator, putting more distance between him and the life he once had, grip tight on the steering wheel as his throat tightens and his eyes go wet.

_It’ll be worth it_ , he promises himself, over and over, every time the wet warmth of a tear slides down. _It has to be._


	2. Part One

5 Years Later  
\---

"Daddy, help."

Logan rubs at his eye and turns his head toward the voice, smiling despite his sleepiness. "What's up, baby girl?" he asks softly, pushing away from his desk to move closer to where three year old Lizzie is coloring.

"Color," she says, holding out a crayon for Logan to take. She quickly goes back to the picture she's working on, coloring neatly inside the lines despite her age.

"Daddy's got some work to do, baby," Logan replies, setting the crayon down with the others.

"Please," she pleads, bottom lip sticking out, her eyes soft and begging.

"Alright, alright," Logan relents, squatting down and picking up a crayon. "Put that pout away," he says, laughing when Lizzie smiles and giggles, radiating in the way she has her daddy completely wrapped around her tiny fingers.

"Here," she says, sliding over a coloring book. "Color the princess, daddy."

Logan starts coloring, matching the princess' dress to the one Lizzie is wearing, giving her the same chocolate brown hair and brown eyes.

When Lizzie looks over, she gasps and says, "Daddy, no. S'posed to be like this one," then flips it shut to show Logan what the princess is supposed to look like.

"Well, I didn't color her like that, but I colored her like another princess I know," Logan explains, resuming his picture when Lizzie flips it back open to his page.

"Who?" Lizzie asks, tiny brows knit together as she tries to remember any princesses that look like that.

"You, silly," Logan says, dropping the crayon and standing, swooping Lizzie up into his arms and blowing raspberries onto her stomach.

Lizzie dissolves into a fit of laughter, squirming in Logan's grasp, plea after plea of, "Daddy, stop," as she shrieks with giddiness.

Logan sets her back down and kisses the top of her head, tells her to keep coloring while he finishes up his work and then they'll have dinner. She complies easily, flipping to a clean page while Logan heads back to his desk, flipping through his notes and trying to commit as much of it to memory as he can.

It's hard, so fucking hard being a single father and going to school full-time. Between classes and studying, it feels like he never has enough time with Lizzie. Despite the fact that it's been close to three and a half years, he still hasn't quite adjusted to it and he's not sure how the transition from student to teacher is going to go over, what it'll do for the time he can spend with her.

Realistically, he knows he doesn't have to worry about work or finding a job for a while; he still has quite a large amount of money from his BTR days saved up, and it's something he thinks about quite often, obtaining his degree just to have it and then living off his savings until Lizzie is older. He knows he'd be able to make it work, too. He's good at saving and buying only what he needs, though he breaks easily when it's something Lizzie wants, but even then, she's not a very materialistic child, satisfied with just the basics and he knows that she's got her grandparents that dote on her and are willing to buy her anything and everything, no matter how many times Logan tells them she doesn’t need whatever it is she’s asking for.

With his head a jumbled mess, he finds he’s unable to focus on the words he’s reading so he shoves his books away sooner than he’d have liked and passes by Lizzie, praising the three colored pictures she’s torn out of her coloring book.

“Those are really good, baby,” he says, smoothing his hand down her back.

“Gamma and gampa,” she says, pointing to a picture of a puppy and another full of flowers.

Logan smiles fondly, tells her they’ll be seeing grandma and grandpa this weekend, and that it’s time to start dinner.

“S’ghetti, daddy!” Lizzie exclaims, running into the kitchen, Logan following right behind her.

Spaghetti is Lizzie’s current favorite food and she asks for it almost every night, though she knows Logan will only make it once a week for her. She’s always incredibly messy while eating it and she ends up with more of the sauce on her face than she actually eats, but she always giggles when she slurps a noodle into her mouth, so Logan’s always happy to make it for her.

After dinner, it’s an episode of whatever cartoon is holding Lizzie’s interest at the moment, followed by bathtime where Logan’s lucky if he doesn’t end up soaked in water. When Lizzie’s dressed in her pajamas, she picks out a book for Logan to read from and Logan tucks her into bed, sitting beside her while he reads and she drifts off to sleep before he’s even a handful of pages into the story.

He kisses her forehead softly, says, “I love you, baby girl,” then turns on her nightlight, flipping off the overhead light on his way out. He leaves the door open a crack, just in case she has a nightmare, and heads back to the living room, hoping to get some last minute studying done before he turns in for the night.

\--

Thursday and Friday fly by in a haze of early mornings, racing around to get his school books together and Lizzie’s backpack ready for daycare. His classes drag on and on and when they’re done, he drives across town to pick up Lizzie and then it’s back home for homework, dinner, movies, and stories.

Weekends are a great reprieve from the hectic weekday schedule. There’s more time for everything else and he breathes a little easier, especially when he manages to finish all his coursework before the weekend comes.

Saturday comes bright and early, and Logan wakes up to Lizzie jumping around on his bed, yelling, “Gamma! Gampa!” over and over, clapping her hands in glee.

“Shh, baby, it’s early,” Logan says, sitting up and wrapping his hands around Lizzie’s tiny waist, pulling her against his chest.

“Daddy, wanna go now,” Lizzie says, pout out in full force.

It’s like this every time they have plans to visit his parents, Lizzie waking up as early as possible, bouncing around until Logan drags himself out of bed to get her ready and them on the road for the short drive to his parents’ house.

“Alright, munchkin. How about you go pick out something to wear while daddy gets ready,” Logan suggests, and he’s barely got the words out before Lizzie is flinging herself out of his arms and hopping down off the bed, racing to her room while she exclaims how excited she is.

Logan rubs his eyes sleepily, but gets moving quickly nonetheless, knowing that if he’s not dressed soon, Lizzie will start whining.

It takes him less than five minutes to wash his face, brush his teeth, and pull on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, and by the time he gets to Lizzie’s room, she’s sitting on her bed, holding her hairbrush in her hands.

“Pigtails, please,” she says, holding the brush out towards Logan. He brushes her hair carefully, mindful of the snarls she gets in her curls, then parts her hair down the middle, pulling each side up into a ponytail.

“All done,” he says, wrapping a loose curl around his finger before unwinding it and letting it go. “We ready to go?”

Lizzie nods rapidly, retrieving the two pictures she colored for her grandparents and holding them tightly in her hand. “Ready,” she says, bouncing away.

A few minutes later, Lizzie is strapped into her carseat and Logan’s putting the car into reverse. It’s less than a fifteen minute drive to his parents’ and Lizzie chatters happily the whole way, growing more excited the closer they get.

By the time they're pulling into the driveway, Lizzie is fighting to get the clasps of her carseat undone, finally settling once Logan unbuckles her and she's free to run up to the door.

When he catches up to Lizzie, she's already ringing the doorbell, waiting impatiently for someone to open the door. Instead of opening to reveal either of his parents, someone else is standing there.

"Aunt Katie!" Lizzie shrieks, launching herself into Katie's arms.

Logan is so far from prepared for this. It's not entirely uncommon to see Katie at his parents, but it still unnerves him every time it happens. She's the only one he keeps in contact with, the only one that knows about Lizzie, and even so, it's not something he decided on his own.

\--

Two years after he had left to be on his own, Katie had shown up on his doorstep, suitcase behind her, and barged her way in, muttering something about stupid boys and why was everything up to her to do?

In usual Katie fashion, she grilled him to the bone, tore him a new one for going two damn years and not calling once, letting them know that he was alive and okay, and mid-rant, she stopped and froze at the sound of Lizzie's wailing.

"Is that--is that a baby?" she asked, shocked and confused.

Logan sighed, scrubbing a hand through his hair; he had just gotten Lizzie down for a nap and he was fucking exhausted.

"Yes," Logan simply said, motioning for Katie to follow him to Lizzie's nursery. He lowered the railing to her crib and lifted her carefully, cradling her in his arms. "Katie, this is Lizzie, my daughter."

"Did you just say daughter?" Katie asked, eyes darting back and forth between Logan and the baby.

Logan nodded, rubbing a soothing hand down Lizzie's back to stop her crying.

"How in the hell do you have a daughter?"

"I've been asking myself the same thing, honestly. I don't know; it just kind of happened."

"What do you mean it just happened, Logan?" Katie sounded furious, hurt.

"I was kind of lost when I got back, y'know? I thought I knew what I was doing leaving the guys, but I had no idea," Logan started, blowing out a slow and quiet breath. "There was a bar and a girl and it was just this stupid fling and it never meant anything, but then she found out she was pregnant and she said she didn't want to keep it, and I couldn't, Katie, I couldn't let her do that, so I said I'd keep it and then Lizzie was born and her mother disappeared, signed off all rights." He shrugged his shoulders, letting Katie process the information.

"Okay. But that doesn't explain why you didn't call us, Logan. Especially James," Katie said, shoving her hands into her pockets.

Logan laid Lizzie back down in her crib, pulling the railing back up and making sure it was secure.

"I know," Logan said quietly.

"They're gonna wanna know, Logan. You have to tell them," Katie said, peering into the crib at Lizzie sucking on her tiny fist.

"I know, Katie, and I will. I just need time."

"You haven't had enough?" Katie asked, exasperated.

"Katie, you don't understand. This is hard for me, okay? Raising a baby on my own and trying to go to school, it's not easy. And James. How am I supposed to face him? It wasn't supposed to happen like this. I had every intention of going back to him, but Lizzie happened, and I wouldn't trade her for anything."

"And, what? You don't know?" Despite the quietness of her voice, it was tinged with so much anger that she might as well have been yelling.

"Who knows if he'll even want me back now that I have a kid, Katie," Logan said through clenched teeth, so damn tired of this discussion.

"I doubt you having a kid would change the way he feels, Logan. Two years, and every day he tells himself it'll be the day you'll come back to him. Don't keep doing this to him," Katie said, voice quiet and pleading.

"Now," she said, excited, "let me hold my niece."

And just like that, the conversation was over, for the moment, at least.

\--

Calling the guys is something Katie brings up every time she visits, and the more time that passes without Logan calling, the fiercer and more stern her lectures get. As much as he never wants to have to make the call, he knows it's up to him to re-establish that connection because he's the one that left, that broke it, and it wears down on his nerves a little more each day.

Logan follows Katie and Lizzie inside the house, hugging his parents when he sees them. Lizzie starts laughing giddily when Logan's dad hoists her up and tosses her into the air before catching her and blowing raspberries against her stomach.

"She gets bigger every time I see her," Katie says, standing beside Logan with her arms crossed.

"She's growing pretty fast," Logan says in agreement, watching fondly as Lizzie bounces between her grandparents, chattering happily about the pictures she colored for them. "What brings you to town?"

"Just thought I'd drop in, see how my favorite niece is doing," Katie says, laughing when she catches sigh of Logan's quirked eyebrow. "Okay, okay. Well, that's part of the reason. Lizzie's birthday is soon and I was wondering what you were getting her so I wouldn't end buy her the same thing."

"You couldn't just pick up the phone?" Logan asks, then quickly adds, "Not that we don't like seeing you. Lizzie loves when you visit."

"That's the other half of why I'm here. There's uh--there's been some talk of a 5 year reunion concert."

Logan swallows thickly. That's the last thing he expected Katie to say.

"When you say there's been some talk, does that mean just talk, or are they already planning something?" he asks, hoping with all his might that it's the former.

"I think they've already started planning, Logan," Katie says softly, apologetically.

"But how? They can't start planning something like that and not inform me," Logan says. He catches his mom's eye and points to the other room, waiting until she nods before he gestures for Katie to follow him.

"I don't know. I think maybe their intentions were to plan it all then tell you at the last minute so you wouldn't be able to say no," Katie explains. "It's Gustavo we're talking about, Logan. Who knows why he does half the shit he does."

Logan concedes her point. Still, it doesn't make him feel better in the slightest. He doesn't want to be roped into this, doesn't want to have to see the guys for the first time in five years because of a reunion concert, doesn't want that being the reason they meet his daughter for the first time.

"Time's running out, Logan. You've gotta see the guys before this concert happens," Katie says, voicing Logan's dreadful thought.

"I know. I'll uh--I'll think of something later."

Fuck, five year reunion concert. At least he knows who he is now: Logan Mitchell: ex-boyband member, current single father.

\--

Logan plasters on a smile while they sit through breakfast: chocolate chip pancakes and cut up strawberries. He's not hungry in the slightest and every bite tastes like cardboard, feels like a bunch of rocks tearing at his throat as he swallows.

"You alright, sweetheart?" Mrs. Mitchell asks, looking at him with concerned eyes.

"Yeah, y'know, just tired. Silly little girl over here woke me up bright and early," Logan says. He's pretty sure his mom knows he's lying, but it's not something he wants to talk about right now. He has so much to figure out, so many different thoughts racing through his head, and though he knows his parents want what's best for him and Lizzie, he doesn't think he can deal with their -- he doesn't even know; pity? Judgment? Disappointment?

"M'not silly, daddy," Lizzie says, syrup dripping down her chin.

"No, I guess you're not, baby. You are messy, though," Logan says. He reaches over and cleans the syrup away with his thumb, wiping it on the leg of his pants.

"Logan, use a napkin," his mom chastises, much to Lizzie's delight.

"Oooh, Daddy got in trouble." She giggles, clapping her hands, then frowns at their stickiness. "Daddy, I'm all sticky."

Logan laughs softly, shaking his head. "C'mon, princess, let's go get you cleaned up."

"I'll do that," Katie says, nodding subtly towards his parents.

Logan takes a deep breath, nods, then waits for Katie and Lizzie to leave the kitchen, Lizzie laughing while Katie chases her down the hall.

"Are you going to tell us what's going on, son?" Mrs. Mitchell asks, tone laden with worry.

The word 'no' is on the tip of Logan's tongue, but he pulls in another deep breath, lets it out slow to calm himself, then starts speaking. "I guess Gustavo's planning some kind of reunion concert or something, and from what Katie's said, I probably won't hear about it until the last minute so there's no way I can back out."

Mrs. Mitchell's look has morphed from concern to confused, her brows furrowed as she tries to make sense of what Logan's said.

"Where's the bad in that?" Mr. Mitchell asks.

"They don't know about Lizzie," Logan says softly, eyes downcast.

"Logan." It's all his mom says, but there's so much in her tone, so much disappointment, disbelief.

"I know, Mom," Logan says.

"Not even James knows?" Mr. Mitchell cuts in.

Logan shakes his head.

It was hard for them, in the beginning, trying to get used to that change, that shift in Logan's and James' relationship. It's not that they ever outright disapproved of it, but things were tense for awhile. There was the obstacle of accepting that Logan was in a gay relationship, added onto the fact that it just so happened to be with James, someone who was almost like a brother to Logan for so many years.

Then came the doubting of the solidity of their relationship, of trusting James not to hurt Logan. That was probably the most hurtful part of it all: his parents doubting what they meant to each other. It was a well-known fact that James went through relationships like he changed clothes and they didn't want that for Logan, but time proved that the only one James wanted was Logan, and the only one Logan wanted was James.

Things seemed better after that, until the realization of how stressful trying to have a relationship could be while they were still under the spotlight. It wasn't like they could parade around together, boasting their love for everyone to see, but fuck, that was hard, having to hide such a huge part of himself, of them, but neither of them wanted to jeopardize BTR.

That was hard for his parents to choke down, having to watch their son hide who he loved out of the fear that it would be detrimental to his career. It’s the reason they didn’t understand why Logan left when BTR ended, when he would’ve been a little more able to spend time with James without constantly having to worry about hiding or second-guessing every move he made.

It makes sense that this entire situation would be hard for them, too, and why there’s so much of that disappointment that Logan hates to see on their faces. They love James, love him like he’s their own son, and for Logan to keep something like this from him, it’s hard.

“Well, I’m sure you know what you’ve gotta do now, don’t you?” Mr. Mitchell asks.

“Yeah,” Logan says, scrubbing a hand through his hair. “Yeah.”

\--

Logan stays at his parents’ house through lunch, until the excitement of Lizzie seeing her grandparents fades and she starts drooping, though she vehemently protests a nap. It happens every time, her eagerness to see her grandparents waking her earlier than she’s used to, protesting a nap because she’s a “big girl now, daddy.”

“I’ll be back for her birthday,” Katie says, pressing a kiss to Lizzie’s forehead.

Logan nods. He’s pretty certain that’s Katie’s way of telling him he has until then to at least call one of the guys to re-establish some kind of contact.

The quirking of her eyebrow pretty much cements that thought.

“We’ll see you next weekend, right?” Mrs. Mitchell asks, following Logan out to the driveway, Mr. Mitchell right behind her, carrying Lizzie’s sleeping form.

“Yeah, of course,” Logan says. He leans in and gives his mom a hug, kissing her cheek softly. “Love you, Mom.”

“You, too, baby,” she says, and she ruffles his hair the way she has always has, laughing when Logan grumbles about it under his breath.

Mr. Mitchell’s already got Lizzie buckled into her carseat and he closes the car door quietly, turning to face Logan and says, “You can’t put this off any longer, son.”

His father’s words play over and over in his head, long after the short time it takes him to drive home. He knows his parents and Katie are right, that this is something he’s put off for far too long and the only thing he’s done by prolonging it is made everything harder on himself.

The situation has the potential to go so very badly and Logan doesn’t want that, doesn’t need it, and he doesn’t want any of the guys resenting Lizzie’s existence. He doesn’t want to lose them again, even though he knows it’d be his fault for keeping something like this from them and it’s bad enough that Katie’s been in the middle of it all for so long. He can’t even imagine how upset and betrayed Kendall’s going to feel over the fact that his little sister kept something so huge from him, never mind the fact that it isn’t Katie’s business to tell.

Logan bites his bottom lip hard, the tangy, metallic taste of blood trickling into his mouth in his effort to stifle the scream that so badly wants to come out. He breathes slow to steady himself, fixes his eyes on the sight of his daughter, his whole world, sleeping peacefully in her bed and lets the happiness and elation she makes him feel fill him up, leaving no room for the bad.

Sometimes he wishes he could go back, back before Lizzie was born, before this entire mess, before he made the decision to leave L.A., but he knows without a doubt that even if he had the chance for a do-over, he wouldn’t do it, wouldn’t give up his daughter for anything.

Logan kisses her forehead, tucks her blanket tighter around her then leaves her room, leaving the door open just a crack.

With his homework already out of the way, it gives him the time to start planning Lizzie’s fourth birthday party, something he still quite can’t believe. Half the time it feels like just yesterday that Lizzie was a tiny baby nestled safely in his arms, and in a few short months, she’ll be starting pre-kindergarten. She’s growing so fast and it hits Logan hard, his heart tightening in his chest. His little girl isn’t going to stay little forever.

“Jesus, Logan, get a grip,” he says to himself, pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes.  
He’s jerked out of his thoughts by the doorbell ringing, followed by a series of knocks against the front door, and a whole new level of panic washes through him.

Only one person has ever knocked like that and it’s one person he does not want to see right now, but dammit, the doorbell and the knocking repeats and he knows he needs to answer the door before it ends up waking Lizzie from her nap.

No amount of willing himself to calm down will work, so he doesn’t even bother, sweat prickling at his hairline and the back of his neck, dampening his palms, stomach turning itself inside out as he makes his way to the door, unlocking the deadbolt and unhooking the chain, hand slipping over the smooth metal of the doorknob as he turns it. He pulls the door open and pastes on a smile, though everything in him is telling him to slam the door shut and lock it up tight.

His throat is dry and he swallows repeatedly before he’s finally able to speak, and when he does, his voice is barely louder than a whisper.

“Hey, Kendall.”

“Logan Mitchell, live and in the flesh. Was beginning to think I’d never see you again,” Kendall says.

“Yeah, well, here I am,” Logan says, heart beating a mile a minute.

“You gonna let me in?” Kendall asks, rocking on the balls of his feet, eyebrow quirked up in question.

Logan swallows and nods, stepping back as he pulls the door open wide enough for Kendall to enter. He closes the door and locks it behind them, leading Kendall into the living room, the silence already threatening to choke him.

“So, uh, what’s up?” Logan asks, eyes skittering over every surface of the room, never once making contact with Kendall’s.

“What’s up? What’s up? After five years, that’s what you say?”

Logan expected this, but he didn’t expect it so soon. He’d hoped that maybe there would’ve been a chance of small talk, insignificant anecdotes about hockey or something, but he should’ve known Kendall would’ve wanted to dive right in.

“What am I supposed to say, Kendall?” Logan asks, rubbing his temples to stave off the quickly approaching headache.

“Oh, I don’t know,” Kendall says, all biting sarcasm. “You could start with what you’ve been doing for the last five years.”

Logan bites his lip, swallows, then decides he’s not ready to discuss that yet, and instead asks, “How’d you find where I live?”

“I followed Katie,” Kendall says, shrugging his shoulders. “She always takes these trips that she doesn’t tell anyone anything about, and they’re always at the same time every year, so, y’know, I figured something was up and I ended up following her this time. I tracked the GPS on her cell phone, saw that she was at your parents’ house, and by the time I got there, you were just pulling out of the driveway, so I followed you here.”

Logan’s a little more than shocked at hearing all of that. He’s incredibly fucking creeped out that Kendall, someone he’s always considered one of his best friends and brothers, would do something like that, would damn near stalk him. He feels completely unsettled and he wants nothing more than for Kendall to get out of his house.

“Chill, dude,” Kendall says. “It’s not that bad. I can’t even count how many times Katie has tracked me down by the GPS on my phone.”

“You and Katie tracking each other down is fine, Kendall, I don’t care. But going to my parents’ house? Following me home? I’m sorry if I’m a little less than comfortable with that,” Logan says, voice tight and tense. He’s never been more thankful that his garage is connected to his house, meaning there was no chance Kendall caught a glimpse of Lizzie.

“Yeah, well. Five years and not a word; desperate times call for desperate measures.” Kendall smirks like he’s won the argument, and Logan’s too tired to even bother pushing it anymore.

Truthfully, Logan’s surprised it took Kendall this long to find him. Then again, considering he put his house in his parents’ name and made sure his bills were all untraceable, he’s not even sure how Katie managed to find him. It’s probably not something he wants to know, either. She’s entirely too sneaky for Logan’s comfort.

“So. You gonna tell me what you’ve been up to for the last five years?” Kendall asks again.

Logan’s about to answer when his reply gets stuck in his throat at the sound of socked feet dragging against the carpet, Lizzie making her way through the living room, sleepily rubbing her eyes.

Kendall’s eyes widen and his gaze darts back and forth between Logan and Lizzie, and Logan can see the moment it all comes together.

“Holy shit, you have a kid.”

Lizzie opens her eyes and turns towards the voice, freezing at the sight of someone she doesn’t know before she runs the rest of the distance to Logan and throws herself in his lap, burying her face in his neck.

“It’s okay, princess,” Logan says, rubbing a hand in circles on her back to soothe her.

“Oh, holy fuck,” Kendall says, pacing the length of the living room.

“Language, Kendall,” Logan says at the same time Lizzie giggles and says, “He said a bad word, Daddy.”

“Kendall, sit down before you wear a hole in my floor,” Logan says.

“Daddy!” Lizzie shouts, removing her face from Logan’s neck. “Uncle Kendall?” she asks, eyes dancing excitedly.

“Yeah, sweetheart, that’s your Uncle Kendall,” Logan says, trying to keep the confusion out of his voice. He’s almost certain he’s never mentioned any of the guys in Lizzie’s presence, and if he has, it definitely wasn’t enough for Lizzie to know Kendall as her uncle. It had to be either his parents or Katie, and neither of the two options makes him feel any better. If they’ve told her about Kendall, what does she know about Carlos? And for that matter, what does she know about James?

Before he knows it, Lizzie is climbing off his lap and launching herself at Kendall, hugging him as tight as her little body can manage.

Kendall’s moves are hesitant and unsure, but he lifts Lizzie easily and settles her against his hip. “What’s your name, little missy?” he asks her with a soft smile.

“Lizzie,” she replies, sweet and giddy. “And I’m three years old,” she adds, holding up three fingers.

“Wow, you’re a big girl, aren’t you?”

“Yes, I am, Uncle Kendall,” Lizzie replies, resting her head against Kendall’s shoulder.

“Sweetheart, can you go back to your room for a few minutes so I can talk to Uncle Kendall about some grown up stuff?” Logan asks softly.

Lizzie looks back and forth between her dad and her uncle, then shakes her head no.

“Lizzie, please,” Logan says, trying to keep his voice as even as he can. He’s tired and frustrated and he just wants this day to end or, better yet, to have never have happened. This is not how he wanted any of this to go. He wanted it done on his terms, when he felt like he could do it without having a breakdown, not by one of the guys just barging in and making him talk about it.

Then again, he decides, he probably would have put it off another five years if he could have had it his way.

“Okay, daddy,” Lizzie says, kicking her feet until Kendall puts her down, retreating to her bedroom.

“So. That’s what I’ve been doing,” Logan says, shrugging his shoulders.

“I don’t – I just. What?” Kendall replies, hands flying wildly as he tries to grasp the situation.

“When I left L.A.,” Logan starts, sitting down on the sofa, folding his hands as he continues, “I had no idea what I was doing. I was lost, man. I kind of just bounced around from city to city for a while, trying to figure out what I was doing. I ended up in some city I don’t even remember the name of now, met this girl at a bar there and things just kind of happened. It was never anything serious and it wasn’t like I was looking for a relationship, y’know? I still had every intention of going back to James, was still stupidly in love with him, but I dunno.” Logan pauses, rubbing his eyes with his thumb and forefinger, swallowing before he starts again.

“Next thing I knew, she was telling me she was pregnant, how I screwed up her life, that she needed to get rid of the baby and I couldn’t let her do that, so I begged and pleaded for her to go through with the pregnancy, told her I’d take care of the baby on my own, that she didn’t have to have anything to do with it if she didn’t want to, and as soon as Lizzie was born, she left. Signed over all parental rights before fleeing and I never heard from her again.”

“If things were that rough for you, Logan, why didn’t you come back?” Kendall asks, brows furrowed in question.

“I couldn’t,” Logan says simply. “I depended on you guys for too much. I needed to be able to do things on my own for a change, but clearly I wasn’t very good at that.”

“Coming back wouldn’t have made you dependent on us. James, Carlos, and I, we all stayed in L.A., but we all live our own lives now. I see them a couple times a week, if that. We meet up for dinner or drinks or something, but it’s not like how it used to be between the four of us. We are all different people now, Logan,” Kendall says with conviction.

“How do you know that that’s how things would have happened if I would’ve stayed or if I would’ve gone back? For all we know, things would’ve stayed the same. And it would’ve been different for me, anyway. I would’ve always been with James and I would’ve ended up depending on him more,” Logan fires back, rising off the sofa.

“You’re not giving yourself enough credit, dude. We all depended on each other equally when we were in Big Time Rush. We were just four dudes from Minnesota who liked hockey and ended up with the chance of a lifetime. Being in Los Angeles was a huge change for all of us and it was hard not to get swallowed up in the scene. Do I need to remind you of James’ stint with the tanning spray? Or you with the bongos? Or Carlos thinking he was a Jennifer? And that was all in the first year we were there, Logan. Things got much harder the longer we were there, and if we didn’t have each other to fall back on, depend on, who knows where we would’ve ended up.”

“I – yeah. I get what you’re saying, but it’s too late now. This is my life and that’s my daughter and I wouldn’t trade her for anything,” Logan says fiercely. Nothing and no one will ever be able to make Logan regret having Lizzie.

“She’s a cute kid,” Kendall says. “Looks like you.”

Logan can’t help but smile at that. Lizzie really does look like him, for which he’s thankful. There are almost no visible traces of her mother in her appearance and he hopes it stays that way.

“Done talking now, Daddy?” Lizzie comes skipping back into the living room, plopping herself on the sofa next to Kendall.

“For now we are, sweetheart,” Logan replies.

“’kay,” she says, then, “Uncle Kendall, what are you getting me for my birthday?”

Kendall flounders for a minute, eyes going back and forth between Lizzie and Logan before Logan steps in and says, “Lizzie’s birthday is next month. We’re having a little party with some of the kids she goes to daycare with. She’s been asking everybody what they’re getting her for her birthday.”

“I be 4 years old!” Lizzie exclaims, holding up four small fingers.

“Wow, you’re such a big girl,” Kendall says, eyes wide in faux amazement, Lizzie giggling and nodding her head. “Well, what do you want for your birthday?” he asks, pulling her onto his lap.

Logan watches with a lump in his throat, listening to Lizzie go on and on about all the outrageous gifts she wants, Kendall nodding along with every item she lists. Telling Kendall everything didn’t go as bad as he thought it would, and Kendall’s easy acceptance of Lizzie gives him hope that maybe Carlos and James won’t take it badly either.

James, yeah. There’s no way that’s going down easy.

\--

Putting Lizzie to sleep that night is no easy task. She’s fussy like she hasn’t been in months, whining and crying because all she wants to do is stay up and play with her uncle.

It takes Kendall coming in and reading her story after story until she falls asleep, sniffling even as her eyes fall shut.

“Sorry ‘bout that,” Logan says, turning off the overhead light and flipping on her nightlight.

“Don’t worry about it,” Kendall replies. “I don’t mind.”

“I’ve just never seen her grow so attached to someone so quick.” And as much as he hates it, it’s the truth. It took her weeks to warm up to her daycare teachers and she’s still hesitant around the parents of the other kids. The only adults she’s comfortable with are the ones she’s grown up knowing, those that are ever present fixtures in her life.

“So,” Kendall says, leading them back to the living room. “I’m guessing Katie already told you about the reunion concert.”

“Yep,” is all Logan says.

“You’re doing it, right?” Kendall asks.

“I don’t think that I have much of a choice,” Logan replies. “Can’t hide away forever.”

It’s what it all comes down to: not hiding away forever, not keeping Lizzie from the other guys and their families. He can’t keep going on like this and pretending everything is okay. He knows it’s only going to make things that much worse in the end.

\--

The weeks leading up to Lizzie’s birthday are a mess. Logan’s trying to juggle his classes and schoolwork with planning everything, ensuring she’s got everything she asked for - at least the ones that were reasonable -, that both Katie and Kendall will be there, and that all the kids she’s invited from her daycare got their invitations.

It’s a stressful time, final exams looming right around the corner, and the only time he’s really able to study is when Lizzie’s asleep. It means late nights where he more often than not falls asleep hunched over his desk, face smushed against the pages of whatever book he’s looking at, and early mornings when coffee is his saving grace.

A huge weight is lifted from his shoulders when he walks out of the classroom of his last final exam, and when he gets home, he crashes on the sofa in the living room, waking up only moments before he’s expected to be at the daycare to pick up Lizzie.

“Sorry I’m late,” he says when he finally gets there. Anna, the daycare teacher, is standing outside with the rest of the children that have yet to be picked up.

“It’s no big deal,” Anna says with a smile. “Besides, you’re not that late.”

As true as that is, Logan hates leaving Lizzie waiting even a minute longer than she has to.

“Ready to go, princess?” Logan asks, holding out his hand for Lizzie to grab.

She nods quickly, placing her small hand in Logan’s. “Miss Anna, is you comin’ to my party?” she asks, looking up at Anna with her big, brown eyes.

“Sure am, sweetheart,” Anna replies, poking Lizzie’s nose with the tip of her finger, making Lizzie giggle.

“We’ll see you at the party,” Logan says, and he waits for Lizzie to wave goodbye to everyone before he steers her in the direction of his car.

“Can we has s’ghetti tonight, daddy?” Lizzie asks when Logan’s buckling her into her carseat.  
Logan wants to tell her no, that he really can’t stomach eating spaghetti again, but he knows his daughter and she won’t take no for an answer.

“Sure, baby,” he says instead, eagerly awaiting the day she moves on to a new favorite food.

\--

Logan’s pretty certain the sun has barely risen when he feels the weight of Lizzie’s body climbing on top of his bed.

“Pssst, daddy,” Lizzie whispers, or tries to, anyway. It ends up coming out a lot louder, almost as loud as her normal speaking voice.

Logan smiles to himself, keeping quiet, waiting to see what Lizzie will do next.

It ends up being a bad move on his part because next thing he knows, he’s got 35 pounds of little girl landing on his back.

“Daddy, wake up!” Lizzie shouts, drowning out the sound of Logan’s pained grunts.

Logan rolls over, sending Lizzie tumbling off to the other side of his bed. “I’m up,” he says, groaning, sitting up despite the tinges of pain all over his back.

“That took forever!” Lizzie exclaims, throwing her arms up and out to the sides.

Logan chuckles, shaking his head. His daughter is crazy.

“C’mon, birthday girl, let’s go make you some birthday breakfast.”

Lizzie jumps up and down on the bed, clapping her hands and giggling. “Piggyback ride, daddy!” she demands.

Despite the small pains in his back, Logan lets Lizzie climb on his back, her legs wrapped around his midsection, her arms wrapped loosely around his neck.

“To the kitchen!” Lizzie shouts, right in Logan’s ear, punching her arm up into the air.

\--

For breakfast, Logan makes chocolate-chocolate chip pancakes, letting Lizzie help stir the batter. She sneaks away a handful of chocolate chips, but ends up with chocolate smeared across her lips and chin.

“What’s this?” Logan asks, wiping it off with his thumb.

“I’unno,” Lizzie replies, shrugging her shoulders, but her lips are twitching in an attempt not to smile.

“Did you steal some chocolate chips?”

“No,” Lizzie says, shaking her head from side to side, messy curls flying everywhere.

“I think you did,” Logan says, and he hoists Lizzie up into the air, blowing raspberries into her stomach.

Lizzie starts laughing immediately, squirming in Logan’s hands. “Okay, okay, I did, daddy! I took chocit chips!”

“I know you did,” Logan says, blowing another raspberry into Lizzie’s stomach. Lizzie starts flailing, her arms and legs flying in every direction as she laughs, and Logan decides it’s a good idea to put her down before he ends up with anymore injuries. “Wanna get down now?”

“Please,” Lizzie says, gasping for air.

“Gotta give me a kiss first,” Logan says, lowering her down just a bit. She kisses his cheek wetly, no doubt leaving streaks of chocolate. Logan kisses her on the forehead, says, “Happy birthday, baby girl,” before finally setting her back down.

Logan finishes making the pancakes, setting them on the dining room table with a bowl of strawberries and another with whipped cream. Instead of the typical bottle of syrup, Logan lets Lizzie use chocolate syrup which she drizzles all over her pancake.

By the time she’s finished eating, her hands and face are a sticky mess of chocolate, strawberry juice, and whipped cream.

“Bath time, daddy,” Lizzie says, holding her hands up for Logan to see.

“Yes, it is,” Logan says. He gathers up their dirty dishes, rinsing them off in the sink before loading them into the dishwasher. “C’mon, princess.”

Lizzie skips off to the bathroom, Logan following behind her.

\--

By the time the guests are set to arrive, Lizzie is beyond impatient.

“Daaaaaaaddy,” Lizzie whines, hands bunched into fists, clutching the loose fabric of her dress tightly.

They’re sitting outside in the backyard, picnic table covered in a princess-themed tablecloth, places set for Lizzie’s friends from daycare with plates and party hats. There are two more tables set up outside, one stacked with Lizzie’s presents, the other filled with food.

“They’ll be here soon, sweetheart,” Logan says, doing his best to soothe his daughter.

No sooner than the words are out of Logan’s mouth do his parents appear around the side of the house, his dad’s arms filled with presents.

“Jeez, Dad, you guys didn’t have to buy her so much stuff,” Logan says, taking the presents from his dad and setting them on the table with the others.

His dad merely shrugs in response, already squatting down as Lizzie barrels into his arms, excited squeals filling the air.

Everyone seems to show up then, kids with their parents spilling into the backyard, the stack of presents growing and growing. It’s hard to keep track of what Lizzie’s doing then, running around, chasing the other kids, laughter drowning out almost everything else.

Katie’s the last person to arrive, the look on her face sheepish and guilty as she approaches. Logan’s stomach swoops unpleasantly, not quite sure he wants to hear whatever it is Katie has to tell him.

“Where’s my favorite niece?” is what she says, bypassing Logan altogether. Logan watches her pass by, head cocked to the side in confusion.

He understands the look on her face seconds later when he turns and sees Kendall heading towards him, Carlos failing to hide behind him. That’s definitely something he was not expecting, but then again, he’s not entirely sure what he was expecting.

Anger and frustration bubble up inside him, jaw clenched so tight his teeth ache. He was okay with Kendall showing up out of the blue - or, okay, he wasn’t okay with it, but he accepted it, knew it was something that had to be done, and, okay, he knows he had to see Carlos sooner or later, but goddammit, he just wants something done on his own time, when he’s ready.

Carlos showing up like this? It’s something he’s not prepared for. And on his baby girl’s birthday, no less. It’s a day where his only focus should be on his daughter, on her happiness, not this gut churning worry about what Carlos is going to say, how he’s going to react to Lizzie, the absolute terror of him saying something to James.

God.

He does his best to put it out of his mind, for now, at least, pasting on a smile as he joins the others, watching over the children as they run and play.

\--

“Katie, would you mind taking Lizzie in and washing her up?”

The party lasted hours longer than Logan had thought it would, the kids all hopped up on sugar from the cake and ice cream. They’re all crashing now, being carried out by their parents as they sleepily wish Lizzie a final happy birthday. Lizzie’s not faring much better, dragging her feet against the grass until Katie swoops her up, immediately tucking her face in against Katie’s neck.

Katie makes a displeased face, and Logan can’t help but snicker; Lizzie’s probably rubbing the stickiness from the frosting and ice cream all over Katie’s neck.

“Take your time coming in,” Katie says. “I’ll get her cleaned up and down for a nap.”

Logan feels the urge to tell her never mind, that she can stay out here with him, but Lizzie really does need a nap and he realizes he needs to stop relying on Katie to be a buffer. It makes him snort, the realization that he went from depending on James, Carlos, and Kendall to depending on Katie. Some things just do not change.

Logan busies himself with cleaning up, tossing paper plates, an overabundance of napkins, and mangled wrapping paper into a garbage bag. It doesn’t take nearly as long as he’d hoped it would, so he starts carrying Lizzie’s presents inside, taking them in one by one, putting off talking to Carlos and Kendall as long as he possibly can.

On his next trip outside, Carlos and Kendall are standing at the table where Lizzie’s gifts are, Kendall’s arms crossed over his chest.

“You gonna talk to us anytime soon?” he asks, picking up a packaged Barbie and tossing it from hand to hand.

“Just trying to clean up,” Logan replies, snatching the Barbie from Kendall the next time he tosses it.

“Yeah, okay,” Kendall says with a snort. “The sooner you talk to us, the sooner we’ll get out of your hair.”

Logan rolls his shoulders back, grits his teeth, then pulls a chair over and plops down onto it.

“What do you want me to say, Kendall?” Logan asks, hands gripping his knees.

“Explaining why you have such a stick stuck up your ass might be a start,” Kendall says.  
Logan laughs, can’t help it, because seriously?

“Oh, I don’t know, Kendall. Maybe because just once I’d like to have this happen on my own time,” Logan replies, shaking his head. “Of all the days, it just had to be my daughter’s birthday.”

There’s a loud gasp, followed by choking and coughing, and Logan finally peels his eyes away from Kendall to look at Carlos.

Carlos is standing next to Kendall, face red, mouth opening and closing like he’s trying to find something to say.

How is this even news to Carlos? Has he not been paying attention to anything that’s happened in the last few hours? Surely he had to have seen Lizzie run up to Logan and call him daddy.

“You alright there, buddy?” Logan asks.

“You have a kid,” Carlos finally says, sounding a little dumbfounded.

“Did you not realize that earlier, what with me throwing a birthday party for a bunch of little kids?” Logan asks, the words biting and harsh.

“Dude, drop the attitude,” Kendall grits out, and it only infuriates Logan more.

“No, I will not drop my attitude. You show up at my house on my daughter’s birthday with Carlos in tow, without so much as a fricken call or text to let me know what’s going on, and you expect me to what, be all happy about it? No, I don’t think so,” Logan says tersely, rising from his seat.

Carlos clears his throat, cowering away at the look of anger and frustration on Logan’s face.  
“T-this wasn’t Kendall’s fault, Logan,” Carlos says quietly. “Every time I asked, he told me I couldn’t come, but he wouldn’t tell me why or where he was going, and then I found his flight information. When I found out he was coming here, I booked a ticket on the same flight and when Kendall found out, he wouldn’t even talk to me,” he explains.

“And you didn’t think that maybe that was some kind of warning sign that you shouldn’t have come along?” Logan asks, the fight and anger slowly bleeding out.

“Well, yeah, but Kendall’s never this secretive about anything, and I just had to find out what he was hiding. I just – I’m really sorry, Logan,” Carlos says, deflating.

“You would’ve found out sooner or later,” Logan says, shrugging, and when he sees the way Carlos is bravely trying to keep his composure, he adds, “I just – I don’t blame you for being curious, y’know? If I was in your position, I probably would’ve done the same thing. It’s just – it’s a lot for me to handle right now,” voice soft and apologetic as he can be.

Had it been any other day, Logan probably wouldn’t feel so out of sorts, so upset and frustrated, might have even felt a little pleased to see Carlos, but today of all days, he can’t feel anything other than irritated.

“Hey, Logan, Lizzie wants you,” Katie interrupts, peeking her head out the patio door.

Logan shoots up out of his seat, grateful for the interruption. He excuses himself quietly, making his way through the house until he gets to Lizzie’s bedroom where she’s curled up in her bed, struggling to keep her eyes open.

“What did you need, princess?” Logan asks, sitting down on Lizzie’s bed beside her.

Lizzie scoots closer, turning on her side so she can wrap both her arms around Logan’s stomach. “Thanks, daddy,” she says softly before inching back and closing her eyes, breathing evening out in a matter of moments.

Logan swallows around the lump in his throat, blinks rapidly against the prick of tears forming behind his eyes, then leans in and presses the softest of kisses to Lizzie’s forehead. There is nothing in the world he wouldn’t do for her, to see her face light up and hear her pleased little laugh. She is his entire world and he wouldn’t trade her for a damn thing.

“I love you so much, baby girl,” Logan whispers, brushing the tips of his fingers along the side of Lizzie’s face, her skin smooth and soft.

Logan rises from the bed with a sigh, walking backwards so he can keep his eyes on her for just a moment longer, turning when he gets to the door, leaving it open just a crack as he steps out into the hallway.

He steels himself, squaring his shoulders and pulling in a deep breath as he makes his way down the hall and through the kitchen, back out the patio door.

\--

Everything has already been cleaned up when Logan steps back outside, even the table that had Lizzie’s presents stacked on top of it.

“I put them inside with the others,” Carlos says hesitantly, almost like he’s afraid Logan’s going to snap on him for touching something that belongs to Lizzie.

Logan doesn’t, though, offering him a quiet ‘thanks’ and a tired smile instead. He joins Carlos, Kendall, and Katie at the table they’re sitting at, an uncomfortable silence falling over them.

“I can’t believe you have a kid,” Carlos says when the silence finally gets to be too much.  
“You and everyone else,” Kendall says with a snort.

“If you’ve suddenly changed your mind and resent Lizzie, you can get out of my house,” Logan grits out, fists clenched tight, palm stinging from where his nails are biting into his skin.

“Whoa, hey, that’s not how I meant it at all, Logan,” Kendall says. “I just meant exactly what Carlos said. It’s still a little weird seeing you with a kid. It’s just not what we expected to see when we found you.”

Logan slowly relaxes, loosening his fists while he breathes in and out, in and out. He can’t help his reaction, knows he’s being irrational by jumping to conclusions without hearing everything out, but this is him and his daughter they’re talking about. His first instinct is to protect, and if that includes shouting down the people he once considered family, so be it.

“She’s a cute kid, Logan,” Carlos says, “and she looks a lot like you, so that’s sayin’ something.”

“Dude,” Logan says, reaching over and punching Carlos in the arm almost like he’s on auto-pilot. For a second it feels like they’re 16 again, Carlos doing or saying something uncalled for or out of left field, deserving of a good punch to the arm, Kendall’s hiding his smirk behind his hand, and Katie rolling her eyes because she can’t believe these guys are actually older than her.

The moment passes in an instant, and the atmosphere turns quiet and strained, no one quite sure what to say.

“I just – I can’t believe you kept this from us for so long,” Carlos says finally, quiet and somber. “We’ve missed out on so much with her.”

Logan’s not quite sure what to say to that, floundering for a response when Carlos continues.

“She’s part of our family, and it just really sucks that we missed so much.”

This time, Logan really doesn’t know what to say. He didn’t expect Carlos to be so accepting, nor did he expect Carlos to be so upset and hurt over not being around for the first four years of Lizzie’s life. It makes him all the more upset with himself, realizing he really wouldn’t have been in this alone if he had just gone back to the guys and told them about Lizzie when she was born. He knows it’s too late to change things, though.

He expects Carlos to press for details about Lizzie’s mom, about what happened, and when those questions don’t follow, he allows himself to take a deep breath, relaxing slightly. How Lizzie came to be isn’t a point in his life he’s proud of, but he knows he wouldn’t change it, wouldn’t take it back.

“Man,” Carlos says, chuckling and shaking his head, “James is going to flip when he finds out.”

“Carlos, shut up,” Kendall grits out, green eyes blazing fire.

“What?” Carlos asks before realization sets in. “Oh, shit. Sorry, Logan.”

Logan nods his head slightly, letting Carlos know he heard, but his stomach is churning, his insides flipping wildly. He can only imagine how James will take it, and his thoughts start tumbling, spiraling out of control. Kendall and Carlos are here, in his house. What if – what if James shows up? It’s not entirely impossible, right? After all, he didn’t expect Carlos to show up, but lo and behold, there he is. Who’s to say the same thing won’t happen with James? He has to know something’s up.

“Daddy?” Lizzie’s voice pulls Logan out of his head, jerking him to awareness.

“C’mon, sweetheart, daddy’s busy right now,” Katie says, trying to guide Lizzie out of the living room.

“No, it’s okay,” Logan says to Katie, opening his arms for Lizzie to run into. “What’s wrong, baby girl?” he asks when Lizzie burrows her face into his chest.

“Hungry,” Lizzie says, her voice muffled.

Logan chuckles softly, running his fingers through the messy curls of her hair. “You sure? You look kinda sleepy to me.”

Lizzie shakes her head, repeats, “Hungry,” poking Logan’s stomach to emphasize her point.

“Okay, okay. What do you wanna eat?” Logan asks, holding Lizzie to his chest as he rises, focusing only on her, everything in the background tuned out.

“Hmm, dino nuggets!” Lizzie shouts excitedly, throwing her arms up in the air.

“Did I hear dino nuggets?” Carlos asks, dashing into the kitchen.

Lizzie hides her face against Logan’s chest, whimpering.

“Hey, hey,” Logan says soothingly, rubbing his hand in circles on Lizzie’s back. “That’s uh – that’s your Uncle Carlos. You don’t need to be afraid of him, sweetheart.”

Lizzie shakes her head, pressing closer to Logan. Logan shoots Carlos an apologetic look that Carlos just waves away, even though Logan saw how his face fell at Lizzie’s reaction. He sets about getting the food ready, Lizzie clinging to him the entire time. She barely lets go when Logan puts her food on a plate, but her hunger soon overrides her frightfulness at Carlos’ presence.

Not entirely hungry, Logan contents himself with sitting beside Lizzie, listening to her chew away happily.

Carlos reappears, sliding into the chair on the other side of Lizzie, a plate of dino nuggets in front of him. He doesn’t speak, following Lizzie’s lead, chomping away on the food in front of him. Then there’s a sparkle of mischief in his eyes and Logan knows what he’s going to do before he even does it.

With a dino nugget in each hand, Carlos pushes his plate off to the side, the growling noises already springing forth. It draws Lizzie’s attention to him and she sits there, watching as he makes the two dinos fight, her eyes lit up in amusement when Carlos shoves the one that lost into his mouth.

Her moves are cautious, unsure, but she holds tight to the dino nugget in her small hand, soft rawr’s growing louder and louder the closer she gets to Carlos’ arm.

Logan swallows around the lump in his throat, ignoring the sting of tears building in his eyes. It’s so easy to see James there, the way he and Carlos would fight with their nuggets no matter how often they were told not to, and he aches with how badly he wishes it was James in Carlos’ spot, making his baby girl laugh.

“Daddy, look! I won!” Lizzie says excitedly, giggling, proudly waving the t-rex dino nugget in her hand.

Logan coughs to clear his throat, hoping his voice doesn’t sound as weak as he thinks it does. “That’s awesome, sweetheart. Can you finish eating now?”

Lizzie nods her head, popping the last nugget into her mouth with a tiny growl. “Done!” she says, holding her plate out for Logan to inspect.

After cleaning up the small mess Lizzie made and grabbing a cup of chocolate milk for her to drink, Logan asks her what she wants to do now.

“Movie?” Lizzie asks, hopeful, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

“Use a napkin, please,” Logan says.

“Sorry, Daddy.” Lizzie’s lips turn down into a frown, bottom lip quivering.

Logan hates how extreme Lizzie’s moods can be when she hasn’t gotten enough sleep. She’s incredibly sensitive, easy to upset, and even the barest hint of authority in his voice can reduce her to tears.

“C’mere, Lizzie,” Logan says softly, stooping down, arms open. He lifts Lizzie and carries her down the hall to her room, carefully setting her on her bed. “How ‘bout I read you a story instead?”

Lizzie nods in response, climbing under the blankets, big brown eyes still wet with tears.

It takes almost three books before Lizzie finally falls asleep, having fought tooth and nail every time her eyes fluttered shut, still riding the rush of excitement from her birthday party.

Logan kisses her head softly and ducks out of the room, offering an apology when he returns to the living room where Carlos, Kendall, and Katie are watching tv.

“Hey, man, no worries,” Carlos says, flashing a carefree smile. “She okay?”

“Yeah,” Logan says with a sigh, flopping back onto the sofa. “She’s always extra sensitive when she hasn’t slept properly and with the excitement from her party, she was up really early this morning and then she barely napped at all. Took a little longer than it usually does, but she’s finally asleep now.”

“So then,” Kendall cuts in, “we can talk about the reunion tour, right?”

“Tour?” Logan asks, stomach dropping somewhere around his knees. “I thought it was just one show.”

“No, you’re right, it is. Tour just sounds so much better than show, y’know?” Kendall replies, shrugging his shoulders like it’s not a big deal, even though to Logan it is. Tour and show have entirely separate meanings and Kendall should probably learn that they’re not interchangeable, especially in a situation like this where Logan’s already on edge about the show to begin with.

“Not really, but okay,” Logan says. “Anyway, what about the show?

“You are doing it, aren’t you?” Carlos asks, twisting to the side to face Logan.

“It’s not like I really have a choice, do I?” Logan says, and it comes out harsh, bitter, not at all the way he intended.

“Technically, you do,” Katie says. “I mean, sure Gustavo and Griffin are already printing up promo posters and it’s only a matter of time before they make the announcement about it, but you don’t have to say yes.”

“Yeah, because I totally want to be the reason the concert is canceled and thousands of fans get upset,” Logan says, snorting at the ridiculousness of even thinking about saying no after all the promotion has started.

“Are you gonna be okay seeing James?” Carlos asks softly, twisting the hem of his shirt around his fingers nervously.

“I don’t know,” Logan admits, the truth of the statement settling like rocks in his stomach. He hasn’t so much focused on how he’ll feel seeing James as he has on how James will react to seeing Lizzie. It always leaves him tied up in knots, his stomach churning uneasily, every instinct in him shouting for him to grab Lizzie and run as far away from this as he can.

“It’ll be alright,” Kendall says. “The three of us will be there.”

Even though it’s supposed to, it doesn’t make Logan feel better in the least.

“It’s been a long day,” Logan says, rubbing at his eyes. “I’m gonna turn in. You guys can sleep on the sofa or whatever, but the guest room is pretty much Katie’s.” He doesn’t wait to hear their responses, pushing himself up off the sofa, quickly making his way down the hall. He stops in front of Lizzie’s room, peeking his head in through the open door, the heavy weight of the emotions he’s feeling lifting slightly at the sight of her happily sleeping form.

After a few minutes, he continues to his own bedroom, changing into a pair of sweatpants before he brushes his teeth, exhaustion hitting him like a freight train the moment he climbs into bed.

Despite how tired he feels, sleep doesn’t come easy.


	3. Part Two

It feels like it’s barely been an hour when Logan wakes up, and all he wants to do is shut his eyes and go back to sleep, but a glance at his clock shows him it’s almost 9 o’clock. It takes every ounce of strength he has to roll out of bed, dragging himself to the kitchen to make a pot of coffee.

He’s halfway through his first cup, feeling slightly more awake than he did, when Carlos stumbles in, a hand over his mouth to cover his yawn, the other massaging his back. “That couch sucks,” he says, rubbing his hand over his face.

“Sorry,” Logan says, wincing as Carlos cracks his back. It’s not entirely uncomfortable to him, but then again, he’s had years to get used to it.

“Nah, man, it’s alright,” Carlos replies. “Where’s the little munchkin?” he asks, searching through the cupboards for a coffee cup.

“Surprisingly still asleep,” Logan says, pointing to the cupboard above Carlos’ head.

“Katie uh – she told me what happened with Lizzie’s mom,” Carlos says nervously, staring down at the empty cup in his hands. “I didn’t – y’know, I figured you’d probably gotten sick of having to explain it, and I dunno, I hope you don’t mind that I asked her about it.”

“I – no, no, it’s fine,” Logan says, setting his cup down on the counter. “I’d kind of expected you to ask me about it yesterday, but –” he trails off, shrugging his shoulders.

“It sucks that she didn’t –” Carlos stops there, doesn’t want to say those words, can’t ever imagine a parent not wanting their own child, especially someone as adorable and precious as Lizzie. “You’ve done an amazing job with her, though. She’s a cute kid.”

“I – yeah, thanks,” Logan says, throat suddenly tight. It’s not something he’ll ever get over, Lizzie’s mom not wanting her, and he dreads the day Lizzie’s old enough to start asking questions about it. How’s he supposed to tell his baby that her mom didn’t want her? He knows it’s not like he would’ve pursued a long-term relationship with her had she chosen to stick around; he just wishes Lizzie’s mom would’ve wanted some kind of relationship with her daughter.

“I was thinkin’ I could take her shopping for a birthday present,” Carlos suggests between careful sips of his coffee.

“You don’t have to do that, Carlos,” Logan says, touched by the offer.

“I know I don’t _have_ to, I _want_ to,” Carlos says. “She’s the baby of the family. She’s going to be spoiled rotten,” he adds, like it’s common sense, something Logan should know already, which he does, but. He doesn’t want Lizzie thinking she can have anything and everything she wants whether or not she deserves it, especially when she gets older. It’s something he’d rather not have her get used to.

“I guess, yeah,” he replies. “I’d probably have to go with you, but yeah.”

“Who’s going where?” Katie asks, walking into the kitchen, Lizzie propped up on her hip.

“Daddy!” she shouts, and she squirms around until Katie sets her down, immediately running up to Logan and wrapping her arms around his legs when she’s freed.

“Good morning, princess,” Logan says, scooping her up and hugging her tight. “How do you feel about going shopping after breakfast?”

“More presents?” Lizzie asks excitedly, eyes bright.

“Yeah, more presents,” Logan replies. “Uncle Carlos wasn’t sure what to bring you yesterday, so he wants to take you to pick something out.”

“Yay!” Lizzie shouts. “Wanna go now, Daddy.”

Lizzie’s response is met with poorly concealed laughter from Carlos and Katie, and even Logan chuckles softly.

“After breakfast, sweetheart. You need to eat first,” he says, softly poking her tummy.

“Cereal, please,” Lizzie says, and Logan knows it’s only because cereal is quick and easy, meaning less time in the way of her getting another present. His daughter’s a little genius.

Lizzie races through her bowl of cereal – no matter how many times Logan tells her to slow down –, more than half ending up on the table rather than in her mouth, and she has milk dribbling down her chin and neck by the time she’s finished.

She tosses her bowl in the sink before darting off to her bathroom, shouting, “Shower time!” down the hall.

“Better go get her ready before she soaks the whole bathroom,” Logan says with a chuckle, taking off after Lizzie.

Lizzie insists on zipping through her shower, and she nearly throws a fit when Logan makes her get back under the spray because she still has shampoo suds in her hair. “’kay, Daddy, done now,” she says, waiting for him to turn off the water and wrap her in her towel.

Logan calls Katie into Lizzie’s room to help her get ready while he showers, and by the time he’s done, Lizzie is a ball of impatience, dragging him by the hand to the front door.

“Hey, slow down,” Logan says, lifting Lizzie up when she keeps pulling. “We’ve gotta wait for Uncle Carlos, silly.”

“Us, too,” Katie chimes in, pulling her hair up into a ponytail as she walks into view.

“Uh, guys?” Logan says. “We’re not all going to fit in my car.”

“We’ve got a rental car out front,” Kendall says. “Katie and I figured we’d go with, get some lunch after, then the three of us can catch our flight back to L.A.”

“Oh, right. I didn’t even think to ask when you guys were leaving.” Logan feels a little bad about that, but with everything else that was on his mind, he’d forgotten.

“Not a big deal, dude,” Kendall says, waving it away.

“We ready to go get Lizzie her present?” Carlos asks, ducking into the front hall.

Lizzie squeals excitedly, the sound so high-pitched Logan almost has to cover his ears.

“To the mall!” Carlos shouts, setting Lizzie off again.

They pile out of the house and Logan locks it up, Kendall and Katie already in their rental car, Carlos and Lizzie waiting impatiently – though he’s not sure who’s more impatient at the moment: Carlos or Lizzie – by his.

Lizzie squirms excitedly the entire time Logan’s trying to buckle her into her car seat and by the time he finishes, he’s ready to call it a day and head back inside. He rounds the back of the car to the driver’s side door, climbing in and fastening his seatbelt before he starts the car. “Ready?” he asks, regretting it the moment Lizzie starts squealing again.

He reverses out of the driveway and then they’re off, Katie and Kendall following behind, and for a minute, he almost forgets what lies ahead.

Almost.

\--

Lizzie ends up with not one, but three more presents, her tiny hands clutching the bags they’re in as she walks up to the front door behind Logan.

They’d spent almost two hours in the toy store, Lizzie unable to decide what she wanted, finally settling on a newer version of the LeapFrog learning tablet that Logan had bought her for Christmas, and a couple activity cartridges to go with it. Logan had tried to get her to pick something else, insisted it was too much even when Carlos told him that it was fine, he didn’t have to worry about how much it cost because he’d buy it for her regardless, and it took much pleading from Lizzie – and Carlos – before he finally relented.

After, they’d gone to IHOP, Lizzie making a sticky mess of herself with the syrup from her waffles. It was comforting, being surrounded by his second family, even if there was a vital piece of it missing, and he’d easily admit that it sucked having to part ways when Katie, Kendall, and Carlos had to leave to catch their flight.

It’s easier being with them on his turf, where he feels comfortable, and even though he knows he’ll be seeing them again soon, it’s not the same. He hasn’t been back to L.A. in five years and it’s lost all the comfort it once had for him. It’s no longer his second home, nothing but another state to him, filled with so many unknowns.

Logan helps Lizzie set up her new LeapFrog, curling up with her on the sofa while she plays it. It doesn’t take long for her eyes to start drooping, and instead of taking her to her room, he holds her closer to him, wrapping his arms around her after he sets her LeapFrog on the coffee table, deciding he’d like nothing more than to take a nap with his princess. Who knows how much longer he’ll have this feeling of contentment.

\--

Three days later, Logan gets the call he’s been dreading. Gustavo outlines the plans for the show, how they’ll be doing anywhere from one to two months of training and rehearsals – much like boyband boot camp when they first got to L.A. –, that they’ll be doing the show two separate nights, and that Logan has a week to get his butt to L.A., hanging up before Logan can even get out a word aside from hello.

Logan books his and Lizzie’s plane tickets shortly after the call from Gustavo, then shuts his laptop and pushes it all out of his mind, deciding he’ll start dealing with everything else tomorrow.

When Logan picks Lizzie up from daycare the next day, he talks to Miss Anna, telling her how he’s going to L.A. for a couple months and that he has to pull Lizzie out temporarily. Anna looks concerned, but Logan quickly assures her that it’s nothing bad, not quite wanting to tell her the exact reason he’s going for. Personal business is what he ends up telling her, deciding it’s not that far from the truth.

“We’re all going to miss Lizzie,” she says, looking over at where Lizzie’s playing with a few other kids.

“She’ll be back before you know it,” Logan replies, offering up a gentle smile. He helps Lizzie get her things together, clearing out her cubbyhole even though Lizzie doesn’t know why, and Logan knows he needs to explain it to her soon.

“Bye, Miss Anna!” Lizzie says, and Anna squats down to pull Lizzie into a hug, placing a soft kiss at the top of her head when she lets go.

“You behave for your daddy, alright?” Anna says, smoothing down Lizzie’s shirt.

Lizzie nods, gives a smile and a wave, then takes Logan’s hand as he walks them to their car.

\--

Logan doesn’t go into details about why they’re going to Los Angeles, only goes so far as to say that they’re going to visit Uncle Carlos and Uncle Kendall and Aunt Katie for awhile, and that seems to be enough to have Lizzie bouncing around in excitement.

It’s much harder trying to pack for her, her insistence to help meaning tossing every stuffed animal she has into her suitcase no matter how many times Logan pulls them out.

“You can pick two to bring with you,” he tells her, trying to fold her clothes into as compact a size as he can get them. “We have to leave a lot of room for all the clothes you’ll have to bring with you.”

She settles on the pink pig with a blue bowtie around the neck that she got when she was born, and an old stuffed teddy bear Katie bought her after the first time she visited.

He fills the large suitcase with what he hopes will be enough clothes to get them through at least two months, leaving just enough room for Lizzie’s stuffed animals. “There, all done,” he says, zipping the suitcase shut. Now he has to worry about packing his own clothes and getting the rest of the house ready for their extended stay away.

He does it all slowly, packing his suitcases in between cleaning out the refrigerator and freezer, making sure all his bills are set to auto-pay, and unplugging the electronics that won’t be in use while they’re gone.

The day before their flight leaves, he loads their suitcases into the trunk of his car, buckles Lizzie into her car seat, then locks up the house, driving the short distance to his parents’ house. He hasn’t told them that he’s leaving yet, but he can’t say they’ll be disappointed about that. They’ve been pushing for him to take this opportunity to talk to James, and the only part they’ll probably be bummed about is that they don’t have much time to spend with Lizzie before they leave. It’s part of why he plans on spending the night, giving his parents some time with Lizzie while he silently freaks out and wonders why he ever agreed to do this.

It’s a typical day with his parents, though there are less disappointed looks than he’s used to receiving, and when it’s time for bed, Logan’s up half the night tossing and turning, imagining every bad scenario that could possibly happen. He’s really getting tired of this not being able to sleep right thing.

\--

When Logan wakes up the next morning, he realizes he hasn’t arranged a place for him and Lizzie to stay. Panicked, he calls Katie, only remembering the time difference when Katie sounds half-asleep when she says hello.

“Crap, sorry,” Logan says quickly. “Forgot about the time difference.”

“No, it’s fine,” Katie says through a yawn, making Logan feel even worse. “What’s wrong? Lizzie’s okay, right?”

“What? Yeah, she’s fine. I just – there’s a bit of a problem. Lizzie and I don’t exactly have somewhere to stay when we get to L.A.,” he explains, shaking his head at his idiocy.

“I’m sorry, Logan. I’d let you stay here if I had the room, but my apartment’s small,” Katie says, voice quiet and apologetic. “You could probably try Kendall or Carlos. They’d have the space for you and Lizzie,” she suggests, and Logan quickly thanks her, apologizing once more before he lets her get back to sleep.

He quickly decides staying with Carlos would probably be the safest route to go. It’s nothing against Kendall, but Logan’s entirely sure that he doesn’t want to have to deal with Kendall’s poking and prodding and endless lectures day in and day out. He knows Kendall means well, but this entire situation is already taking a toll on him, and he’d probably end up losing it if he had to deal with Kendall’s (well meant) meddling.

Logan scrolls through the contacts on his phone, stopping when he gets to Carlos’ name. He debates calling, unsure if Carlos will even be awake, but decides he doesn’t have much time before he and Lizzie need to be at the airport and presses call.

Carlos answers on the second ring, sounding sleepy but more awake than Katie. “H’lo?” he says over the line, the sound of crunching following right after.

“Hey, man, I have a huge favor to ask you,” Logan says, getting straight to the point.

“Uh, okay, what’s up?” Carlos asks, sounding a little more alert.

“So, Lizzie and I don’t exactly have somewhere to stay when we get into L.A. –”

“You can stay with me,” Carlos says, cutting Logan off.

Logan blows out a huge, relieved breath, sagging back against the bed. “You are a lifesaver,” he says. “I owe you, man.”

“It’s not a problem, Logan. Did you need someone to pick you guys up from the airport?”

“No, we’re covered there. I dunno how I managed to ask Katie to pick us up, but not ask her for a place to stay when I talked to her a couple days ago.”

“Man, she lives in an apartment. There wouldn’t have been space for you even if you had remembered to ask a couple days ago,” Carlos replies, laughing softly. 

“Yeah, yeah, I know that now. I called her just before I called you,” Logan says, feeling his face flush in embarrassment.

“So, I’ll see you two later, then?” Carlos asks, and it’s easy for Logan to pick up on the nervous excitement in Carlos’ voice.

“Yeah, of course,” Logan says. They exchange quick goodbyes before hanging up, and Logan proceeds to get out of bed, the hours until his flight time rapidly dwindling down.

He pulls out the outfit he packed into the overnight bag, showering and dressing before he wakes Lizzie. She grumbles about being woken up, face scrunched like she might start crying, only to fall back asleep seconds later. Logan wakes her again, reminding her where they’re going and she finally opens her eyes, blinking up at Logan.

“C’mon, let’s get you showered, then we’ll see if Grandma will make up some chocolate chip pancakes,” he says softly, pulling back the covers so Lizzie can climb off the bed.

“Okay, Daddy,” Lizzie replies, rubbing at her eyes, sleepily shuffling behind Logan to the bathroom.

Logan gets Lizzie bathed and dressed, and when they get to the kitchen, his mom’s already up, pancakes cooling on the counter.

Breakfast is quick and quiet and before Logan knows it, his mom is driving him and Lizzie to the airport. She doesn’t say much on the way there and Lizzie looks like she’s on the verge of falling asleep again. The only sound is that of the radio playing softly in the background, the volume so low Logan can barely make out the song playing.

They pull up to the curb of the airport drop-off sooner than Logan would like, and he has to take a few deep breaths before he can make himself open the door to get out.

“Everything will be fine, you know,” his mom says from the driver’s seat, a soft smile on her lips.

Logan doesn’t quite agree with her, but he says, “I hope so,” before darting off to grab a cart for his luggage. He gets it all piled up and secured before carefully waking Lizzie, unbuckling the straps from her carseat and helping her out. She quickly climbs into the front seat once she’s freed, leaning over as far as she can to give her grandma a hug and a kiss goodbye.

“Call me when you get there,” his mom says, and Logan nods his agreement, quietly telling Lizzie it’s time to go.

\--

Katie’s waiting for them at the baggage claim when they get off the plane, and Lizzie runs to her the moment she sees her. Logan feels nervous, on edge, being back in L.A., especially with Lizzie in tow, but he relaxes a little easier at the sight of Katie’s familiar face.

He gets the luggage cart loaded up while Katie occupies Lizzie, and then he’s following Katie out to where her car’s parked. It’s easier loading the car up this time around, Katie buckling Lizzie into the booster seat she has while Logan dumps their suitcases into the trunk.

Logan closes the trunk with a sigh, returning the cart its station before climbing into the passenger seat, resting his head against the headrest and closing his eyes for a moment before he fastens his seatbelt.

“Rough flight?” Katie asks, smoothly navigating through the airport traffic.

“Nah,” Logan says, “just tired.”

The flight was as smooth as it could be, and Lizzie put up very little fuss about it, content to sit there and color or play with her LeapFrog. She laughed at the swooping sensation in her stomach when the plane descended, a feeling Logan will never get used to no matter how many times he flies.

“Did you find a place to stay?” Katie asks, tapping her thumbs against the steering in time to the song playing on the radio.

“Uh, yeah. Carlos pretty much demanded we stay with him,” Logan says, chuckling softly.

“I figured you’d choose Carlos,” Katie says. “Kendall would probably get on your case about not fixing things with James sooner,” she adds, scrunching her face in dislike.

“Yeah, that’s pretty much the exact reason I called Carlos first,” Logan replies, watching the once familiar sights of Los Angeles fly by through the window.

They lapse into a silence after that, but there’s really not much Logan wants to talk about right now, not with his stomach twisting and turning and lurching with every mile that ticks by. This is all a mistake; being here is a big mistake and he should’ve said no, should’ve stayed at home with Lizzie because there’s no way this could end well. It’s all going to blow up spectacularly and the concert isn’t going to happen and there really was no point in him coming.

Logan’s so busy panicking internally that he doesn’t realize Katie’s slowed down until she says, “Huh,” staring out the window in confusion.

“What? What’s wrong?” Logan asks, nervousness zipping through his veins, taking in the sight of the neighborhood they’re in.

“Um,” Katie says, biting her lip.

“What is it?” Logan presses, not liking Katie’s hesitancy one bit.

“James is at Carlos’ house,” she admits, looking out her window at what Logan assumes is Carlos’ house.

Logan stomach drops to his feet, throat suddenly tight. He can’t go in there, can’t stay there, not if James is there, and he wonders why James is there in the first place. Carlos knew he was flying in today, knew that Katie would be dropping him off there, and it makes no sense for James to be there.

“Take me to Kendall’s,” Logan says quickly, trying to quell the rapidly building feeling of betrayal. Carlos wouldn’t do that to him, would he? He knows deep down Carlos wouldn’t, but he can’t help thinking it, James’ presence at Carlos’ house too much of a coincidence for him to stomach just yet.

Katie takes off without a word, navigating the streets quickly until they pull up to another house where she pulls in the driveway, shutting off her car. “Looks like my mom’s here,” she says nervously, looking at the two parked cars already in the driveway.

Logan breathes in and out slowly. He can do this. He can see Momma Knight and be okay. He’s always loved her like she was his own mom and he’s certain that hasn’t changed.

“Let’s do this,” Logan says, psyching himself up. He exits the car, shutting the door quietly before opening the backdoor and rousing a sleeping Lizzie, her eyes struggling to stay open. He gets her seatbelt unbuckled and gently lifts her out of her seat, holding her against his hip as he follows Katie up to the front door.

Katie doesn’t knock – not that Logan really expected her to –, letting herself in and waiting for Logan to follow behind her before she closes the door.

There are two sets of eyes on Logan and his heart starts racing in his chest. “Uh, hi,” he says, resisting the urge to turn around and leave.

“Heya, Logan,” Kendall says, cool as a cucumber.

“Logan Mitchell,” Mrs. Knight says, hand over her heart, blinking rapidly at the tears welling up in her eyes.

“Hey, Mrs. Knight,” Logan says softly, unable to meet her eyes. He slowly edges further into the room, taking the sofa opposite the one Kendall and Mrs. Knight are sitting on. Lizzie grunts in her sleep, displeased at the sudden shift in position, quieting when Logan lays her across the sofa, her head pillowed on his leg.

“Is that – is she yours?” Mrs. Knight asks, letting out a shaky breath.

“Yeah,” Logan replies. “This is Lizzie,” he says, brushing a stray curl away from her face.

“How old is she?”

“She just turned 4 a couple weeks ago,” Logan says, waiting for the question he knows is on the tip of Mrs. Knight’s tongue.

“Where’s her mom?” Mrs. Knight asks, head tilted to the side in confusion.

Logan shrugs, says, “Not around,” hoping to leave it at that for now.

Mrs. Knight seems to sense his disinterest in continuing that thread of topic and she merely nods her head, lips pulled up in a small smile. “She’s a very beautiful little girl,” she says, eyes glistening.

“Thank you,” Logan says, pushing past the lump in his throat.

“As for you,” Mrs. Knight begins, stern mother-face in place. “Shame on you for being gone so long, and double-shame for keeping that precious little girl away from us,” she continues, voice breaking off at the end.

Logan bows his head, shame and regret and anger bubbling in his stomach. He didn’t realize how much his absence impacted everyone, didn’t realize how upset they’d all be at him keeping Lizzie from them, and he regrets it so much now, but when it was all happening, all he could think about was raising Lizzie, how he was going to manage it while going to school, how he never thought he’d be able to go back to L.A. because of what he did, how badly he screwed up. It’s not fair for them to point fingers and shame him for what he did. It was what he had to do – or at least thought he had to do – to survive. Being a father to Lizzie has been his number one priority and they can’t fault him for that.

Logan’s more than ready to say screw this and leave, go back to Minnesota and pretend none of this happened, but both Kendall and Katie cut in, their voices stern when they say, “Mom,” the single syllable telling her she needs to calm down.

“I’m sorry, Logan,” Mrs. Knight says. “It had to be hard raising her alone. I can understand why you would’ve stayed in Minnesota. It was probably easier there with your parents helping you.”

Logan nods, accepting her apology. “It was tough in the beginning, and it still is now, honestly, raising her and going to school full-time, but she’s either in daycare when I’m at school, or with my parents when I’m swamped with homework. We’ve made it work, though,” he explains.

“What are you going to do with her when you’re at rehearsal?” Mrs. Knight asks, curious.

“I was going to bring her with. She’s got this game Carlos bought her for her birthday and a bunch of coloring books to keep her occupied while she’s there,” Logan says, settling back against the couch.

“I could keep an eye on her, if you’d like,” Mrs. Knight suggests.

“I appreciate the offer, but I’m not sure if Lizzie would be okay with that,” Logan replies, carefully leaving out the part where he’s not okay with it. He loves Mrs. Knight, he does, but he feels more at ease when Lizzie’s with him.

“One day,” Mrs. Knight says. “If it doesn’t work out, you can take her to the studio with you after that.”

Logan wants to say no, wants to refuse her offer again, but there’s really no harm in trying it for at least one day. Besides, he doesn’t want Gustavo to blow a gasket the minute he walks through the door with Lizzie. He’d rather save her from having to see that.

“One day,” Logan repeats, nodding his head.

Mrs. Knight seems satisfied for now, excusing herself to get something to drink.

“So, whatcha doing here?” Kendall asks, leaning forward on the sofa.

“Oh, right. Well, I was going to stay with Carlos while we’re here, but when we got there, I guess James was there, and I wasn’t quite ready to see him yet, especially not with Lizzie, so I thought we’d stay here, if that’s okay with you?” Logan explains.

“Sure, man. Not a problem,” Kendall says easily. “Do you have any suitcases or anything that needs to be brought in?”

“Yeah, they’re in the trunk of Katie’s car,” Logan says, looking over at where Katie’s leaning against the doorframe, fingers flying over the screen of her phone. “Hey, Katie, can you come sit with Lizzie so Kendall and I can bring the suitcases in?”

“Hm? Sure,” Katie says, not even lifting her eyes from her phone.

Logan gently lifts Lizzie’s head off his leg and Katie takes his place, handing him her car keys. When they get to the car, Logan realizes he doesn’t have as much luggage as he thought he did: his two large suitcases, his carry-on, and Lizzie’s suitcase, but it seemed like so much more coupled with Lizzie’s presence.

Lizzie’s slowly waking up when they get inside, clinging tight to Katie’s side in the presence of Mrs. Knight. “Daddy!” she shouts, quickly moving away from Katie and into Logan’s arms, burying her face in his neck.

“Hey, sweetheart. You okay?” he asks, smoothing his hand up and down Lizzie’s back.

Lizzie shakes her head, pointing in the general direction of Mrs. Knight.

“Hey, that’s Aunt Katie’s and Uncle Kendall’s mommy,” Logan explains softly, moving to sit on the sofa beside Katie.

Lizzie slowly turns her head, sneaking a peek at Mrs. Knight before hiding her face again.

“It takes a while for her to warm up to new people,” Logan says, offering an apologetic smile.

“It’s alright,” Mrs. Knight says, “I can stick around for a few hours.”

The rest of the day is spent getting settled in, as much as Logan can, anyway. After a call to his mom to let her know that they landed safe, Mrs. Knight makes them a quick lunch of ham and cheese sandwiches, promising Lizzie whatever she wants for dinner. Logan groans internally the moment Mrs. Knight says it, knowing that it’ll be spaghetti, and he hides his grimace when Lizzie shouts, “S’ghetti!”

Logan takes Lizzie to the park for a couple hours between lunch and dinner, needing the time away from everyone else, so used to it being just him and Lizzie for the most part. It’s a striking change to have so many people around when he’s used to being alone with Lizzie and he’s not entirely sure he’ll be able to adapt.

Dinner is just being served when they get back to Kendall’s house. Logan washes his and Lizzie’s hands quickly before joining the Knights at the table, Lizzie eagerly digging in at the pile of spaghetti on her plate. Dinner is a quiet affair, Kendall and Mrs. Knight talking softly back and forth, Katie occasionally cutting in, but whatever they’re talking about doesn’t register with Logan, his focus solely on Lizzie.

Logan clears his and Lizzie’s plates away when they finish eating, thanking Mrs. Knight for the meal.

“Thank you Uncle Kendall’s and Aunt Katie’s mommy,” Lizzie says, wiping the spaghetti sauce off her face with her hand.

“Lizzie, napkin, please,” Logan scolds, pointing to the napkin in front of her.

“You can call me Mrs. Knight, sweetheart,” Mrs. Knight says, grinning.

“Okay!” Lizzie says cheerfully, then makes a show of wiping her face and hands with the napkin, handing it back to Logan when she does.

“Someone’s a little sass-monster,” Logan says playfully, touching the tip of Lizzie’s nose with his finger.

They retreat back to the living room after that, Mrs. Knight producing Chutes and Ladders and CandyLand, asking Lizzie which one she wants to play. Lizzie shyly points to CandyLand, helping Mrs. Knight set it up when she asks.

Logan quietly asks where the games came from, and Kendall flushes a hilarious shade of red when he tells Logan that his mom made him go out and buy them while Logan was at the park. Instead of laughing at Kendall like he knows he should, he has the inexplicable urge to cry at how welcome he feels, how welcoming everyone’s been towards Lizzie so far, and he remembers all over again why these people have been a second family to him for so long.

Mrs. Knight leaves after playing a few games of CandyLand with Lizzie, Lizzie having slightly warmed up to her somewhere around the second game, and she gives Mrs. Knight a hug and a sloppy kiss on the cheek before she leaves. Katie takes off shortly after that, bringing in the booster seat she bought for Lizzie before she drives away, and then it’s just Logan, Lizzie, and Kendall, switching to Chutes and Ladders until Lizzie starts falling asleep.

“I’m gonna take her up to bed,” Logan says, struggling to rise from the floor with Lizzie half-asleep in his lap. Kendall quickly moves to take Lizzie, transferring her back to Logan once Logan’s up and on his feet.

“Alright, man,” Kendall says, folding the game board up and putting it back in the box. “It’s good to have you here,” he adds softly.

“I – yeah, thanks,” Logan says, voice rough and gritty. “G’night, Kendall.”

“Goodnight,” replies Kendall.

Logan carries Lizzie up the stairs to the guest bedroom Kendall gave him, carefully laying her on the bed. He digs through her suitcase for her nightgowns, pulling out her favorite princess one and changing her into it before setting her up against the pillows, tugging the covers over her. He takes his toiletry bag and pajamas from his own suitcase, quickly darting into the adjoining bathroom to change and brush his teeth. He turns the lights out and slides under the covers next to Lizzie, surprised at how fast he feels sleep pulling him under.

\--

It’s not even an hour later that Logan wakes up, confused and disoriented until he hears the soft sniffles from beside him. He sits up quickly, flipping on the lamp on the nightstand before turning and pulling Lizzie into him, quietly trying to rock her back to sleep.

Lizzie’s having none of it, her sniffles turning into soft sobs, her tears soaking into the fabric of Logan’s shirt.

“Lizzie, what’s wrong?” Logan asks, and Lizzie only shakes her head in response, popping her thumb into her mouth, something she hasn’t done since she was two.

Logan manages to climb out of bed, holding Lizzie to his chest as he stands, walking up and down the empty length of the room while he tries to soothe her, voice sleep rough as he hums softly. He has no idea how long it takes Lizzie to settle, but when he tries laying her back down, she starts sniffling and crying again.

Tired and frustrated, Logan stacks the pillows against the headboard, repositioning Lizzie so her head is resting in the crook of his elbow and climbs back into bed, propping himself up on the pillows. Logan holds his breath, waiting for Lizzie to start up again, exhaling in a soft whoosh when she seems to be down for the count.

The position Logan’s laying in is anything but comfortable, his back and neck already starting to hurt, but given the chance that Lizzie will start crying again, he forces himself to get used to it, Lizzie’s uneasiness at the new sleep environment just another reason this is all such a bad idea.

\--

Morning comes too soon and the entire day really just sucks. Logan’s beyond exhausted, his eyes slipping shut every few minutes, only to jerk to awareness every time he hears Lizzie’s voice. She awoke a few more times through the night, but it was easier to settle and soothe her each time than it was the first. She’s perfectly fine and awake now, no signs of tiredness that Logan can see.

All the caffeine in the world couldn’t make Logan feel little more than awake right now and he’s half-asleep on the sofa when Carlos arrives, face scrunched in confusion.

“Hey, man,” Carlos says, plopping down on the sofa opposite Logan. “I thought you were staying at my house?”

Logan stifles a yawn, shaking his head in an attempt to shake off the lethargy. “When we got to your house, James’ car was there,” he replies, figuring it’s all he needs to say to explain. Everyone already knows how weary he is about seeing James again.

“I – yeah. I’d forgotten we had planned to get lunch and when he showed up, I couldn’t just cancel, y’know? He would’ve asked why and obviously I wouldn’t have been able to tell him, so.”

“It’s not a big deal, Carlos,” Logan says, shrugging his shoulders. “Kendall said we could stay here.”

“Yeah, I know,” Carlos replies. “I was just kinda looking forward to you and Lizzie being around. I love that little girl.”

“You’ll still be able to see her,” Logan says. “Kendall obviously won’t mind if you’re here.”

“Where is she anyways?” Carlos asks, noticing her lack of appearance.

“She’s outside with Kendall, I think. He said he was gonna teach her how to play hockey,” Logan says, fighting back another yawn.

“I’m gonna go join them. You gonna come with?”

“Yeah, I’ll be out in a minute,” Logan says, pressing the heels of his palms against his eyes.

Carlos rises off the sofa, his footsteps loud against the hardwood floor. “Hey, Logan,” he begins, suddenly sounding nervous. “You’re gonna have to get over this thing of not being ready to see James. Gustavo wants to see us all tomorrow.”

Carlos knocks his fist against the doorframe once before disappearing, leaving Logan to process what he just said.

Tomorrow. God. Logan is so far from ready for this. He figured he’d have at least a few days to prepare himself to see James again and knowing now that he only has a day makes his stomach lurch and his head pound. It’s been over five years; he can’t even imagine what seeing James is going to be like, but he knows he’s nowhere near ready for it.

Logan follows the sound of Lizzie’s laughter until he’s standing outside, needing to be around the one person in the entire world that makes all his problems fade away, even if it’s only temporary.

\--

After another night of restless sleep, Logan is so far from prepared for today. He stalls as long as he can, letting Lizzie take a long bubble bath before he takes just as long of a shower, taking an extra-long time to pick out an outfit even though he settles on jeans and a t-shirt.

Lizzie’s already fed by the time he gets downstairs and Kendall’s waiting impatiently, drumming his fingers against the countertop when Logan walks into the kitchen.

“We’re gonna be late if we don’t leave soon,” Kendall says, “and we still have to take Lizzie to my mom’s first.”

Logan nods his head slowly, figuring this is it, no more stalling. “Alright. We can go,” he says softly, nerves making him a little more than nauseous. Lizzie takes his hand, walking beside him to the living room where she picks up the bag that has her games and coloring books, and then they’re following Kendall out the door to his car.

\--

Lizzie’s calmer than Logan is when they drop her off at Mrs. Knight’s, smiling and waving as Logan walks away, his heart in his throat, everything in him telling him not to leave Lizzie.

“She’ll be fine,” Kendall says when they get back into the car. “She has raised two kids, y’know.”

“And look how you two turned out,” Logan says jokingly, though his heart’s not in it.

“Hey!” Kendall says, mock offended, punching Logan in the arm before he starts up the car and reverses out of the driveway.

On the drive over to Rocque Records, Logan finally finds out what Kendall’s being doing the last five years: teaching guitar lessons. It’s a bit of a surprise to Logan; he figured that after Big Time Rush ended, Kendall would’ve done something with hockey, but Kendall goes on to explain that even though hockey will always be one of the greatest loves of his life, he loves music, too, though it wasn’t enough to go on to a solo career.

“I figure this way, I can help others pursue their love of music,” Kendall says, just as they’re pulling up to Rocque Records.

Logan’s reply dies in his throat at the building in front of him, looking just as – possibly even more – menacing as it did the first time they stepped inside. His hands are shaking and he fumbles with the release on the seatbelt before he finally manages to unfasten it, his throat scratchy and dry as he steps out of the car. He trails behind Kendall, hands tucked into his pockets as he follows him inside the building, down the halls that haven’t changed since the last time he was here.

“You’re late!”

And Gustavo hasn’t changed a bit, either. Great.

“Chill out, dude. At least we’re here,” Kendall says, his tone making Gustavo’s eye twitch.

Logan would laugh if he didn’t feel like throwing up all over the floor. James is sitting there, staring at him like he can’t believe what he’s seeing, and Logan – Logan can’t do anything but stare back because James, god, he’s as gorgeous as ever, hair a little shorter than Logan’s used to seeing it, light stubble spread over his jaw that accentuates the curve of it. His heart hammers painfully in his chest when James finally looks away.

Gustavo gets right down to business, ordering them all into his office where Kelly’s waiting, clipboard in her hand as familiar as breathing.

Logan can’t focus on a word coming out of Gustavo’s mouth, everything around him narrowed down to James’ presence. James is sitting stiffly, tension visible in the ramrod straight line of his back, and he doesn’t seem to be paying attention to anything Gustavo’s saying, either. No, James looks like he’s ready to bolt, hands gripping the arm rests of the chair so tight his knuckles are stark white.

Logan swallows uneasily knowing he’s the cause of it, wishing there was something he could say that would magically make everything better.

The meeting drones on and on, Gustavo chattering away until he’s red in the face, pausing only to take in a lungful of air before continuing, something about work-outs and songs and dances until it all turns into one long stream of sound to Logan’s ears.

Gustavo’s interrupted mid-explanation by a knock on the door, his face pinched in irritation as he calls out for whoever it is to come in.

Logan’s heart stops at the sight of Mrs. Knight’s head peeking in, automatically thinking something happened to Lizzie. The door swings open wider and Lizzie’s standing there, face flushed, eyes red, and Logan leaps out of his chair, Lizzie throwing herself into his arms.

“I’m so sorry, Logan,” Mrs. Knight says. “I don’t know what happened. She was fine when you left, but I think after she realized you weren’t coming back right away, she started freaking out and she kept crying and I couldn’t calm her down –”

“It’s alright, Mrs. Knight,” Logan cuts in. “Thank you anyway.”

“Daddy, don’t leave again,” Lizzie says through quieting sobs, her small body jolting as she tries to breathe around them.

“I’m so sorry, baby,” Logan says, kissing Lizzie’s head repeatedly. He feels like utter crap for causing her to cry like this.

“Wan’ go home,” Lizzie demands, arms wrapping tighter around Logan’s neck.

“We can’t do that yet, princess. Daddy’s got some stuff here he needs to do,” Logan says, though everything in him right now is screaming for him to get on a plane and go back to Minnesota. He can’t take the hurt in Lizzie’s voice, the way she keeps sniffling and hiccupping against his neck as her tears subside. It’s breaking his heart into pieces, the rest of it shattering at the look of absolute betrayal and hurt on James’ face before he walks out the door.

“What is going on here?” Gustavo asks, the loudness of his voice causing Lizzie to flinch and cling tighter.

Logan sighs, turning away from the door James just walked out of, meeting Gustavo’s gaze head-on. “This is my daughter,” he says, simple and straight-forward.

“And what is she doing here?!” Gustavo shouts, making even Logan flinch.

“Lizzie, can you go with Uncle Kendall for a minute?” Logan asks her softly, surprised when Lizzie slowly nods her head yes.

Kendall quickly takes Lizzie from Logan, Carlos following behind him as they exit the room, closing the door behind them.

“She is here because she’s my daughter,” Logan says, voice strong and steady.

“She could be the pope for all I care,” Gustavo fires back, “but she cannot be here, getting in the way of all the work you dogs need to do.”

“Listen,” Logan says, slamming his fist down on Gustavo’s desk. “If you want this show to work out, there are just some things you’re going to have to get used to. Otherwise, I will gladly take my daughter and we will be on the next plane back to Minnesota.”

Gustavo’s mouth opens and closes repeatedly, clearly taken aback at Logan speaking out against him. “Fine,” he finally says through clenched teeth, eyes narrowed in anger.

Logan breathes heavily, willing himself to calm down. He can’t go out there by Lizzie like this.

“How old is she?” Kelly asks, and for a minute Logan forgot she was even there.

“She just turned four a couple weeks ago,” Logan says, the tension slowly bleeding out of him at the sight of Kelly’s genuine interest.

“And her name’s Lizzie?”

Logan nods.

“That’s a pretty name. If you don’t – if you don’t mind me asking, where’s her mom?”

“Your guess is as good as mine,” Logan replies. “I’ll explain it all later, but I kind of just want to get my daughter and go back to Kendall’s.”

“Oh, yeah, yeah, go ahead,” Kelly says quickly, shooing Logan out the door, completely ignoring Gustavo’s protests.

Logan wonders if Gustavo even realizes James left.

“So, what’s going on?” Kendall asks when Logan emerges from Gustavo’s office.

“Nothing,” Logan says, shrugging his shoulders. “Not much we can do now since James left.”

“So we’re done for the day?” Carlos asks, looking from Logan to the door to Gustavo’s office like he’s waiting for Gustavo to come out and tell them that they’re not going anywhere.

“Pretty much, yeah,” Logan replies, motioning for Kendall to hand over a sleeping Lizzie.

“Looks like she cried herself out,” Kendall remarks, putting her into Logan’s arms.

“Feel like I’m ready to do the same,” Logan says, shaking his head.

Kendall gives Logan a hesitant smile, says, “C’mon, let’s get out of here,” before leading them out of the building.

Logan doesn’t say anything as they make their way to Kendall’s car, carefully buckling Lizzie into her seat before sliding in beside her, his head resting against hers. The drive back to Kendall’s is just as quiet, the stereo playing softly in the background, and when Kendall parks the car in his driveway, Logan holds Lizzie tightly to his chest as he follows Kendall inside, going straight to the room he’s staying in.

He’s beyond ready to put this day behind him, never mind the fact that it’s barely past the lunch hour, but when he tries to close his eyes, all he sees is James’ face, that look of hurt in his eyes, how they seemed so dull and lifeless, the way his entire body seemed to be breathing betrayal before he left. Logan doesn’t know how much longer he’ll be able to take it if that’s how James is going to look from now on. It makes him sick knowing he’s the reason for it.

Logan stays in the guest room for the rest of the day, coloring pictures with Lizzie when she wakes up, and he only leaves the room to go down to the kitchen to bring them something to eat for dinner. He knows how he’s acting isn’t entirely fair to Kendall, but he doesn’t want to be around anyone but Lizzie, doesn’t want Kendall poking and prodding about what he’s going to say to James now that James has seen Lizzie. That’s something Logan’s not entirely sure of himself.

He puts Lizzie to bed early, tucking her in with her stuffed pig beside her. It doesn’t take long before he decides he might as well sleep, too, but James’ face keeps floating through his mind and sleep remains elusive, the only thing preventing him from tossing and turning his need to ensure Lizzie sleeps through the night.

\--

Logan and Lizzie are dressed and ready when Kendall enters the kitchen the next morning, Logan slowly sipping his cup of coffee.

“Ready already?” Kendall asks, surprised.

“Hi, Uncle Kendall,” Lizzie says cheerfully, waving her spoon at him.

“Good morning, princess,” Kendall says, dropping a kiss to Lizzie’s head on his way to the coffee maker.

“Lizzie, please stop waving your spoon around. You’re getting milk everywhere,” Logan chastises, breathing out a heavy sigh when Lizzie’s face falls. He turns his attention to Kendall and says, “Yeah, y’know, why put off the inevitable? We’ll end up at the studio sooner or later, so.”

“Hm, very true,” Kendall says. “I just need to grab my shoes, then we can go.” He takes his coffee cup with him when he leaves the kitchen and Logan waits for Lizzie to finish the last couple spoonfuls of her cereal and drink her milk before he puts the bowl into the sink.

“Ready, Freddy?” Logan asks, hoisting the bag with Lizzie’s stuff onto his shoulder.

“Not Freddy, Daddy! I’m Lizzie!” Lizzie giggles, skipping out of the kitchen to the living room, squealing in laughter when Logan chases after her.

Kendall returns a few minutes later, puts the coffee cup in the sink, then leads the way outside, locking the door behind him. “Ready?” he asks, unlocking the car doors.

“As I’ll ever be,” Logan replies, opening the backdoor and helping Lizzie climb in.

\--

Gustavo looks less than pleased at Lizzie’s presence, his face pinched in irritation. Logan looks him in the eye, silently daring him to say something and when Gustavo only looks away, Logan fights down a smirk, leading Lizzie to the sofa to get her situated.

The first part of the morning goes well enough, narrowing down the list of songs they’ll be performing until they’ve built a tentative setlist, Gustavo vetoing most of the ballads in favor of the up-tempo flashy songs. It’s taxing at times, Gustavo’s eyes narrowing every time Lizzie starts humming while she looks for a new picture to color, but he doesn’t say anything, until Lizzie runs up to Logan, showing him the few pictures she’s managed to color already.

“Those look really good, sweetheart. How ‘bout you go color some more?” Logan asks her quietly, covering his mouth to hide his smile when Lizzie shakes her head, crawling into his lap instead. She starts talking softly – or as softly as she can, not yet having grasped the concept of whispering –, telling him all about the pictures she colored, that they’re for Grandma and Grandpa because she misses them so much.

“We’ll call Grandma later, okay? And maybe Grandpa will be home, too,” Logan says, ignoring the look Gustavo’s giving him. “Now, how ‘bout you go sit back down and play one of the games Uncle Carlos bought you?”

There’s a distinctive snort at his suggestion and it makes his stomach churn. He waits for Lizzie to nod and sit back down where her stuff is at before addressing it, his heart beating a mile a minute in his chest as he looks up at James. “Problem?” he asks, voice steadier than he feels.

“Hm, nope, none at all,” James says, voice dripping sarcasm.

“Can we focus?” Gustavo shouts, face turning red. “The little dog is taking up enough time and we’re already falling behind schedule.”

Logan closes his eyes, breathes in and out a few times before he opens them, words on the tip of his tongue when Katie appears, shaking her head at Logan to stop him before he starts.

“Aunt Katie!” Lizzie shouts, running across the room to attach herself to Katie’s leg.

“Hi, princess! Can you sit with Daddy for a minute so I can talk to this guy here?” she asks, tugging gently at the curls in Lizzie’s face.

Lizzie nods, giving Katie a quick hug before she lets go and goes back to Logan.

Katie drags Gustavo away, leaving the four of them and Lizzie alone in the music room. It’s awkward and silent, a thick tension filling the air and Logan barely refrains from jumping for joy when Lizzie says she has to use the bathroom. He grabs her hand and leads her out of the room, stopping in his tracks at the raised voices coming from Gustavo’s office.

He steps closer to the door, holding his breath as he tries to hear what they’re saying, his stomach dropping to his feet when the words become audible.

_“I told you he had a kid and that things would be different, Gustavo. You need to chill out.”_

_“You didn’t say anything about him bringing her to every rehearsal. At this rate, we’re never going to get anything done.”_

_“Give it time. They both just have to adjust, Logan especially. He hasn’t been back in five years and things are insanely complicated for him. You said you’d be able to handle it when I suggested this.”_

Logan really doesn’t need to hear anymore. He quickly takes Lizzie to the bathroom, washing her hands when she’s done, then sends her back into the music room by Kendall. He barges right into Gustavo’s office, shocking both him and Katie, their mouths dropped open.

“I can’t believe you’d do something like this,” he says to Katie, shaking his head at her. “I trusted you. I welcomed you into Lizzie’s life, my life, our home, and this is what you do to us, manipulating me and betraying my trust to get me here?”

“Logan, wait,” Katie tries, but Logan bites his lip, turning away from her.

“I’m leaving. I’m going back to Minnesota with my daughter. I want nothing to do with this concert anymore, nothing to do with any of this. You should’ve just left us alone,” he finishes, throat tight. He doesn’t wait for either of them to say anything, exiting Gustavo’s office without another word.

He takes a second to catch his breath, his eyes stinging with unshed tears, his stomach twisting sourly at the betrayal he feels. He doesn’t even try to hide how he’s feeling when he walks back into the music room, going over to where Lizzie’s stuff is and shoving it all into her bag, slinging it over his shoulder before he scoops her up, hugging her to his chest.

“Kendall, I need a ride to the airport,” he says, face buried in Lizzie’s curls.

“What? Why? Is everything okay at home?” Kendall asks, panicked and confused.

Logan snorts, an ugly sound indicative of his emotions. “Everything’s fine. I just need to go,” he says, not wanting to get into this here and now.

“Logan, c’mon. Whatever’s wrong can’t be that bad,” Carlos says, aiming for comfort but missing by a mile.

“I just need to go,” Logan repeats, lifting his head enough to see the looks on the others’ faces. They all look the same, even James, their faces a mix of confusion and concern and Logan can’t deal with that right now, can’t even deal with what he just heard and he needs to get out, needs to leave now.

“Logan, please just wait,” Katie says, entering the music room behind him.

“Kendall, please,” Logan pleads, paying no heed to anything Katie’s saying.

Kendall finally relents, though it’s clear he doesn’t want to. He nods his head once and Logan turns around, side-stepping Katie who’s reaching out to touch Lizzie, walking out of the building as fast as he can.

Kendall doesn’t press for any details on the way to his house, leaving the car idling while Logan runs inside to grab their luggage, throwing it all into the trunk and slamming it shut with more force than necessary. He gets back into the car, yanking the seatbelt across his body, cursing under his breath when he can’t get it locked.

“What’s going on, Logan?” Kendall asks, staring straight out the front windshield.

“Nothing,” Logan lies, wrestling with the seatbelt until it finally clicks.

“Five years might’ve passed, but I still know you well enough to know when you’re lying,” Kendall says, his voice finally giving way to show the irritation he’s feeling.

“Can you just drive? I want to go home,” Logan says, not caring how petulant he sounds right now. He wants nothing more than to be back in Minnesota already, away from all this scheming and backstabbing.

“Fine,” Kendall says, tone clipped and biting. He throws the car into reverse, backing out of the driveway before heading in the direction of the airport.

“Daddy?” Lizzie says quietly from the backseat. “Where we going?”

“Home, sweetheart,” Logan replies, blowing out a slow breath. “We’re going home.”


	4. Part Three

\--

In the week that Logan’s been home, he still hasn’t been able to wrap his head around what Katie did. He ignores her phone calls, deletes her texts and e-mails, the ache in his chest an ever present feeling. He should’ve listened to the gut feeling he had that this entire thing was a bad idea, that he should’ve said no and stuck to his guns instead of giving in and flying halfway across the country with his newly turned four year old.

He hates this, this sickening sense of betrayal churning in his gut, his throat closing up every time he thinks about it. He didn’t – he can’t believe Katie would do something like this to him, to Lizzie, stringing them along until they trusted her wholeheartedly, only to turn around and trick him into going back to Los Angeles when Logan repeatedly told her he wasn’t ready. It makes his blood boil, his heart heavy, knowing that Katie was able to lie to him so easily about the reunion show, making it seem like she had no part in it, that she’d merely heard it through the grapevine and felt the need to let Logan know. Finding out she was the one behind the curtain, the one who concocted the entire plan just to get Logan to L.A. frustrates him beyond reason.

What makes it worse is that his parents sided with Katie, telling him that if Katie hadn’t done what she did, who knows how long it would’ve been before he finally went back. He knows he would’ve put it off as long as he possibly could, but that didn’t give Katie the right to take matters into her own hands. It would’ve been a completely different story if it was just him on his own, but doing something like that when he has his daughter to worry about was crossing the line.

“Daddy, m’hungwy,” Lizzie says, rubbing her tummy. If it wasn’t for Lizzie, Logan would spend every second of every day stuck inside his head.

“How ‘bout we order some pizza?” Logan asks, pulling his phone from his pocket.

“Yum,” Lizzie says, smacking her lips together.

Logan calls and orders a small cheese pizza for Lizzie and a medium pepperoni for himself. He’s been trying to get her to eat her pizza with toppings on it, but she always picks them off in the end.

After he ends the call, Logan turns the tv on, leaving it on a news channel for the background noise, half paying attention to it while he waits for the pizza to arrive.

The doorbell rings sooner than he’s expecting it and he grabs his wallet from the end-table, pulling out a $20 bill to cover the cost and a tip. When he opens the door, it’s not the pizza, but rather Kendall and Carlos, their faces sheepish as they stand outside the door.

“Can we come in?” Carlos asks, eyes widening as he looks past Logan.

“Uncles!” Lizzie shouts, feet slapping against the floor as she runs towards them.

“Guess so,” Logan says, stepping out of the way so they can come in. Behind them is the pizza man and Logan apologizes profusely for the wait, giving him the twenty and telling him to keep the change.

Lizzie’s being tossed into the air when Logan closes the door, carrying the pizza boxes into the kitchen before telling her it’s time to eat. Her appetite seems to have diminished with the appearance of Kendall and Carlos and she merely picks at the piece of pizza Logan put on her plate. Logan gives up trying to get her to eat it when it’s clear she’s not going to, tossing it back into the box after he finishes his second piece.

Kendall and Carlos are waiting in the living room, flipping through the channels on the television until Logan and Lizzie walk in. Lizzie plops herself on the sofa between them, turning from one to the other, lips turned up in a wide smile.

Lizzie quickly wears herself out with Kendall and Carlos, running around in the backyard while they chase her, her peals of laughter momentarily calming Logan’s unsettled nerves. She collapses against Kendall’s chest and Kendall takes that as his cue to hand her off to Logan, allowing him to get her settled and tucked into bed.

“So, what are you guys doing here?” Logan asks, leaning against the wall in the living room, Kendall and Carlos turning to face him.

“Katie told us what she did,” Kendall says softly, “and we just wanted you to know we didn’t have anything to do with it.”

Logan can’t deny that he’d thought maybe Kendall and Carlos were a part of it, but Carlos isn’t exactly a great liar and he’s always been horrible at keeping secrets. If he’d known anything about Katie’s plan, he probably would’ve spilled it the night he arrived. Still, knowing they didn’t have a part in it doesn’t make him feel any better.

“She was only doing what she thought was best for you,” Kendall continues, Carlos nodding his head in agreement.

“How was shoving me into an uncomfortable situation best for me? How was lying to me what was best for me?” Logan asks, fighting to keep his voice down. “She had no right doing that. I’d told her time and time again that I would do it when I felt ready. That didn’t mean for her to concoct this idiotic idea to get me to Los Angeles, and it’s fricken crap that she forced me into that situation when I have a daughter to worry about now.”

Logan is seething, chest rising and falling rapidly as he struggles to control his temper, his hands balled into fists at his sides. She had no right, none whatsoever, to do what she did, tricking him like that when he trusted her.

“That’s exactly why she did it, Logan,” Kendall says, rising to his feet. “If you hadn’t, how much longer would it have been before we saw you again? How much longer would we have gone without knowing about Lizzie? What she did benefited all of us.”

“Get out,” Logan grits out, jaw clenched tight.

“You can’t run from it anymore, Logan,” Kendall continues. “We all know about Lizzie now, and running away because things are tough isn’t going to change that.”

“Get the hell out of my house,” Logan says, his voice wrecked.

“No,” Kendall says firmly, standing his ground. “Five years, Logan. It’s been five years and I think Carlos and I have been more than lenient with welcoming you back like that time didn’t matter. Fact is: it did matter. It mattered a whole hell of a lot. None of us had an easy time after you left, and it was made a lot harder by the fact that we were constantly worrying about James and how he was coping with you being gone.”

“We were all kind of a mess,” Carlos admits quietly, rubbing his palms nervously against his thighs. “Pretty much our entire lives have been the four of us together, and when you left, you left a huge, gaping hole in us. We didn’t think you’d be gone so long or that you wouldn’t have called any of us, and the more time that passed, the harder it was for us to believe you’d ever come back.”

“When I told you that we only met up a couple times a week, that we all lived our own lives? It’s because it didn’t feel right, the three of us hanging around and shooting the shit without you there. There was always that one spot for you that we didn’t think would ever be filled again, and there’s only so many times you can actually watch the hope die in James’ eyes before it becomes too much,” Kendall explains. “But now that that space is filled, you’re not going to walk away again. You’re not going to go another five years because things are too tough for you to deal with. It’s called being an adult, Logan. It’s called life. The things that mean the most are never easy, and we’re not going to let you disappear again.”

“It’s my life, and it’s my choice,” Logan says, voice trembling.

Kendall rears back like he’s been smacked. “Do we really mean that little to you?” he asks, not even trying to mask the hurt and disappointment he feels. He shakes his head sadly, looking over at Carlos who looks just about how Kendall feels. “You wanna leave, walk out on us again? Fine. Just do me a damn favor and stay gone, then. We don’t need you coming back whenever it suits you, messing things up when we’ve just learned to be who we are without you.”

Kendall leaves without another word, the door slamming shut behind him.

“I don’t – that’s not.” Logan’s voice is soft and broken, and he shakes his head, pressing the heels of his hands to his eyes like it’ll make the tears stop from falling. He pulls his hands from his eyes and looks over at Carlos, taking a deep breath to steady himself. “You guys are my brothers,” he says softly, “and James is the only person I’ve ever truly loved, but when Lizzie was born, she was my only focus, and I did what I had to do to protect her. I didn’t – I couldn’t go back then, even if I wanted to. It was so hard for me,” Logan pauses to take another steadying breath, swallowing down the shakiness of his voice before he continues, “to suddenly be a parent, to have such a tiny person depend on me. It didn’t help that my parents looked so disappointed in me, silently judging me every time they saw me because of the predicament I had gotten myself into. It was enough dealing with them and trying to care for Lizzie. I wouldn’t have been able to take that kind of disappointed judgment from you guys, too.”

Carlos nods and takes a breath, looking away from Logan to get himself together. “I’m not gonna lie, man,” he starts, quiet and shaky, “it really hurts that you’d think that of us, that you didn’t even give us a chance then. None of us have judged you at all for what happened. You were a mess and you made a bad choice. I think maybe it’s time you stop punishing yourself for it.”

Logan’s head snaps up and he stares at Carlos in disbelief. He’s not punishing himself. He’s not.

Is he?

“I should go,” Carlos says when Logan doesn’t speak up. “I’ll talk to Kendall, get him to calm down. I’ll see you around, Logan.”

Carlos tries for a reassuring smile but it falls flat, his bottom lip trembling, his eyes wet. The door closes quietly behind him and it takes a few seconds for Logan to get his bearings, dragging his feet across the floor to lock the door.

He holds himself together until he gets to his bedroom, flopping down on his stomach and burying his face in his pillow, his shoulders shaking as he silently falls apart. He doesn’t _not_ want to see the guys anymore, doesn’t want to be shoved out of their lives, doesn’t want Lizzie to grow up not knowing the other half of her family, but he doesn’t know if he can do this.

_I think maybe it’s time you stop punishing yourself for it._

That’s not what he’s been doing. It can’t be. He’s doing what he thought was best for Lizzie, for himself.

A voice that sounds suspiciously like Kendall floats through his head, asks, _‘How was staying away from your brothers, your boyfriend, the other half of your family, what was best for you?’_

Because – because it was what he needed to do for Lizzie. What’s best for her is what’s best for him, right? Only now that logic doesn’t hold up as well as Logan thought it did. Lizzie was only a baby, then. Entirely dependent on him, yeah, but isolating himself only made things harder for Logan. 

More than half the time he was going out of his head with worry, afraid that he’d do something wrong and hurt Lizzie, and the only other people he had to rely on were his parents, and with their judgmental looks and condescending attitudes, Logan refused to let himself reach out to them unless he absolutely had to. When Katie came along, it helped smooth things a little between him and his parents, gave them the hope that Logan was preparing himself to reconnect with the guys, and when that didn’t happen, they started pushing and pushing, slipping in underhanded comments that left Logan reeling. He loves his parents, he does, but the way they’ve treated him and acted toward him since Lizzie was born? If it wasn’t for Lizzie being their only grandchild, for Logan being their only child, he probably would’ve stopped speaking to them long ago. But, if Lizzie hadn’t been born, nothing would be the way it is now.

Maybe it was all done subconsciously on his part, but now that he thinks about, now that Carlos has put it out there in the open, as much as he hates to agree, he has been punishing himself. It’s what it all adds up to, and it makes Logan sick that he’s done this to himself, to Lizzie, to his family. He’s been punishing himself for years for Lizzie’s existence and it’s not something he’d have ever thought about if Carlos hadn’t said it. He raised Lizzie on his own with little help from anyone until he put her in daycare, a subconscious way of telling himself that it was his fault he got into this situation and that he was the one who’d have to handle it all on his own because it’s what he deserved.

God, how he wants to fix this now. He just – he can’t. Not with what Katie did burning freshly under his skin. Knowing what he knows now doesn’t make it any easier to stomach what she did. Yeah, okay, seeing the guys again was something he clearly needed, and if it wasn’t for what Katie did, who knows how much longer it would’ve been before he tried to reconnect with them, if he ever would have. It just – he just. He doesn’t even know anymore.

\--

The knocking on the door and the ringing of the bell is insistent, the knocking soon turning into a fist pounding at the door. Logan tries to ignore it, willing whoever it is away, nowhere up to seeing anyone who isn’t Lizzie.

“Daaaaaddy, the door!” Lizzie exclaims, poking at Logan’s cheek with her crayon. She’s been poking him every few seconds since the knocking and ringing started, and she doesn’t show any signs of stopping.

Logan heaves himself up off the sofa with a sigh, dragging his feet across the floor to open the door. He’s ready to shut it the moment he sees who’s on the other side, having nothing to say to Katie who’s standing there looking defeated and ashamed.

He leaves the door open as he heads back to the living room, gathering up Lizzie’s coloring books and crayons and directing her to her bedroom, his tone insistent even when Lizzie starts pouting and pleading.

“What are you doing here, Katie?” Logan asks, staring down at his clasped hands.

“I wanted a chance to explain why I did what I did,” Katie replies quietly, sitting on the opposite end of the sofa.

“You did what you thought was best for me,” Logan replies, and despite the anger and irritation he still feels about it, it comes out tired and resigned.

“That’s part of it, yeah,” Katie says. “But you didn’t – you weren’t there, Logan. You didn’t see how miserable the guys were without you, how much they all suffered. You guys have been inseparable ever since I can remember. I grew up thinking I had four brothers, and you not being there just felt wrong. They were all determined – James, especially – to let you go and figure out what you wanted to do with your life once Big Time Rush ended, and they all believed you’d come back, even when the months started flying by and no one had heard from you. They refused to believe you’d just desert them like that.”

Logan swallows around the lump in his throat. “It’s not like I intended for things to happen the way they did, but after I found out I was going to be father, I couldn’t go back,” he says, voice wavering, resolutely not telling her about his latest realization, even though he knows she deserves to hear the truth.

“I know that, Logan, but they didn’t. They had no idea why you’d been gone for so long, and after awhile, they just stopped believing you’d come back. But – ” She stops there, a sad smile on her face.

“But what?” Logan presses, afraid to know the answer.

“James didn’t,” she says softly. “Every day that went by, you could see the hope in his eyes, believing that it’d be the day you’d walk back through the door. No matter how much time went by, he refused to believe you weren’t coming back, kept telling Kendall and Carlos that you wouldn’t just leave him like that, that you loved him and he loved you and you’d always come back to him. I hated being the only one who knew about Lizzie, hated that I knew you wouldn’t be coming back anytime soon. I hated having to see James full of so much hope, only to see his face fall every night you didn’t come back.”

Logan doesn’t even try to stop the tears anymore, lets them fall silently at Katie’s words, his head and his heart a mess of emotions.

“So,” Katie says, shrugging her shoulders. “I did what I had to do, and you can be angry at me all you want, but I’d do it all over again. James deserved to know what kept you away for so long, especially when he was the only one who believed enough that you’d come back. I’ve never seen him so – so lost. He can fake it with the best of them, but anyone who knows him could see much he was struggling without you there. All of his energy went into hoping you’d come back and it was like he turned into this shell of who he used to be. Every day, he was simply going through the motions; not even his own recording contract was enough to spark some life back into him. He did his thing, recorded his music, did his tours, but he was never really happy no matter how much he loved it. He hasn’t so much as looked at another person with any kind of interest since you left, clinging to that little string of hope that you’d return and you two could be together again.”

Logan wipes his eyes and takes a deep breath, chest hitching with soft sobs. “If the sole purpose of your plan was to get me and James back together, it really didn’t work,” he says, sighing.

“I wasn’t exactly trying to get you back together,” Katie says. “More like trying to reestablish some kind of communication between the two of you. And, y’know, to introduce Kendall and Carlos to their niece.”

“Yeah, well, the only communication that was going on was a whole lotta glaring,” Logan says, snorting.

“Did you really think things were gonna be easy?” Katie asks. “You have a child now, and until you explain the situation to James, he’ll probably keep thinking you’re still with her mother or something.”

“No, I don’t know. I don’t really know what I was expecting, so.” Logan runs a hand through his hair, the beginnings of a headache pounding at the base of his skull.

“You should really come back, Logan,” Katie says. “At least for Kendall and Carlos. They were pretty upset with me when I told them what I did.”

Logan looks up at her in confusion, says, “But they sided with you. They came here defending what you did, and it didn’t sound like they were too upset with your actions.”

“They were plenty upset, believe me. It was pretty hard for them, too, y’know, to realize that not only were they missing out on five years with you, but four years with Lizzie.”

“I just – I was doing what I thought was the right thing for me and Lizzie,” Logan says, the argument falling flat in his head, even if in his heart he felt it was right.

“And it was, Logan, but now I think it’s time we try to put our family back together,” Katie says, her smile hopeful, her eyes suspiciously wet.

Though Logan can’t fully forgive Katie for going behind his back like she did, he realizes that yes, it is time to start mending things, specifically with James. He’s still not quite 100% ready for it, but at least this time he kind of knows what to expect.

Lizzie’s over the moon when she comes out of her room and sees Katie, growing even more excited when Logan tells her they’re going back by Kendall and Carlos, and she runs back to her room, emerging with her suitcase dragging behind her.

“You see the princess; get your things, Mitchell. We’ve got a plane to catch.”

Logan would rather wait until tomorrow, emotionally and physically exhausted, but with Lizzie and Katie, he has no choice but to give in, quickly repacking his suitcase while Katie takes care of cleaning out his fridge. It doesn’t take very long and soon enough, the rental car Katie has is loaded up and they’re on their way to the airport, Logan hoping that everything goes better this time around.

\--

Katie takes Logan and Lizzie to Carlos’, and Carlos doesn’t seem too surprised about their arrival. He pulls Logan into a quick hug before snatching up a sleepy Lizzie, leaving Logan and Katie to carry in the suitcases. Katie doesn’t stick around too long, says she has some phone calls to make and things to do, the door closing quietly behind her.

Carlos doesn’t ask any questions, just smiles every time he looks down at Lizzie or over at Logan, showing them around his house and to the room they’ll be sleeping in. When Carlos opens the door, Logan’s breath catches in his throat.

It’s similar to the room they were staying in at Kendall’s, only this room is bigger, a full-sized bed in one corner for Logan, and a smaller pink princess bed in another corner for Lizzie. There’s a tv mounted on the wall across from both beds, a stack of what looks to be every princess movie ever made on the dresser below it.

“Carlos,” Logan says, not even sure what to say to complete that thought.

“I uh – I had it done before you came last time,” Carlos admits, rubbing the back of his neck nervously with the arm that’s not supporting Lizzie.

“You really didn’t have to do any of this, Carlos,” Logan says quietly. “One bed would’ve been fine.”

“I just figured you wouldn’t want her to get in the habit of sleeping in your bed, so,” Carlos replies. “Besides, she’s the baby of the family. It’s my duty as one of her uncles to spoil her, and I’ve got one of those portable Blu-Ray players so she can watch the movies I bought her while we’re busy at rehearsal.”

“Tell me you didn’t just buy it specifically for her,” Logan says, blowing out an exasperated breath.

Carlos laughs nervously, shrugs his shoulders and says, “Oops?”

Logan shakes his head, figuring nothing can really be done since Carlos has already bought it and has no intentions of taking it back. “No more expensive gifts,” he says, tone firm.

“So, I probably shouldn’t have bought her that puppy?” Carlos asks.

“You what?!” Logan shouts, mouth snapping shut when Lizzie starts groaning in her sleep.

“Chill, man,” Carlos says, laughing. “I’m only kidding.”

“You better be,” Logan replies, lips twitching with the smile he’s barely managing to suppress. “She’s not allowed to have a pet until she’s five. We’ve already had that discussion.”

“Lame,” Carlos says, stepping further into the room to lay Lizzie down on her bed. “I’ll bring your suitcases up so you can start getting settled in.”

“I’ll help,” Logan says, moving to head back down to the living room where his luggage is.

“Nah,” Carlos says, waving off Logan’s offer. “You should stay here just in case Lizzie wakes up.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Logan says, quietly stepping closer to Lizzie, pulling her shoes off her feet and setting them on the floor just under her bed.

After Carlos brings up the suitcases, Logan busies himself with unpacking, refolding his and Lizzie’s clothes as he puts it all into the dresser, telling himself that no matter what happens this time, he’s going to stick it out and see it through. It’s long past the time that he stops hiding, running, punishing himself, knows that nothing is going to change if he keeps hiding from his problems, knows that he has to talk to James and explain what happened, but it proves to be much easier said than done.

\--

Logan, Lizzie, and Carlos get to Rocque Records the next morning before James and Kendall. Logan takes the time to set Lizzie up on the smaller sofa, her LeapFrog and games on the table in front of her, the portable Blu-Ray player in her lap, Cinderella geared up to play, headphones plugged in and snug over her ears.

Gustavo shoots her a look of disapproval when he exits his office, but he doesn’t say anything, Kelly at his side while they wait for the other two to arrive.

Kendall arrives first, clutching his cup of coffee like it’s his lifeline, flopping down onto the sofa looking like he’s about to fall right back to sleep. Lizzie runs over to him, movie abandoned, Kendall letting out an ‘oomph’ when she lands on his stomach.

“Hello, there,” Kendall says, pulling her into a hug, kissing her forehead.

“I missed you!” Lizzie says, leaving a loud, wet kiss on Kendall’s cheek.

“Yeah, I missed you, too,” Kendall replies, hugging her once more before letting her go.

James arrives then and the atmosphere quickly goes from slightly relaxed to tense and awkward, his gaze darting from Logan to Lizzie then back to Gustavo, waiting for any indication of what they’ll be doing.

“Daddy,” Lizzie says, small hand resting on Logan’s knee.

“What’s up, baby?” Logan asks, leaning in closer to her.

“Who that?” Lizzie points at James, her head tilted to the side in consideration.

Logan swallows nervously, James’ eyes on him a heavy weight he feels down to his toes. “That’s uh – that’s James,” he says softly, grabbing Lizzie’s hand so she’ll stop pointing.

“Is he Uncle, too?” Lizzie asks, swaying from foot to foot.

Logan isn’t too sure what to say to that. He has the hope that maybe one day James will be _Papa_ to her, but he knows realistically that the chances of that happening are pretty slim, and Uncle James doesn’t really encompass everything James will always mean to him, but. “Yeah,” he says, voice rough. “Uncle James.”

Lizzie hm’s, a loud, drawn out sound, small index finger tapping against her chin like she’s deep in thought before she smiles at Logan, skipping the small distance it takes to get to James. “Hi,” she says, voice quiet and shy.

Logan holds his breath, heart trip-hammering in his chest, eyes locked on James and Lizzie.

“Uh, hi,” James says, every line of his body screaming discomfort.

“I’m Lizzie,” she introduces herself, and Logan’s grateful she’s too young to pick up on the uneasiness radiating from James.

James doesn’t say anything, nods his head once in acknowledgement and Logan decides that’s enough.

“Lizzie, c’mere, please,” he says, trying to hide how frustrated and disappointed he is at James’ standoffish behavior.

Lizzie frowns, looking up at James like she’s expecting him to intervene, but when he stays silent, she huffs out a sigh and stomps over to Logan, folding her arms over her chest.

“Hey, sweetheart,” Logan says, pulling her into his arms. “I need you to go sit back over there and watch your movie, okay? Daddy’s got some work he has to do.”

Lizzie quietly slinks away, folding herself up on the sofa with Blu-Ray player in her lap, pulling the headphones back over her ears.

“Can we start now?” Gustavo asks, voice filled with irritation.

“Yep,” Logan says, the other guys echoing him softly.

“Good,” Gustavo grits out, motioning for Kelly to hand him the clipboard she’s holding.

\--

With each rehearsal that passes, things with James don’t really change or improve. He keeps to himself, every move he makes stiff and awkward, his conversations with everyone short and stilted. Logan tries not to pay attention to the looks James keeps giving him and Lizzie, the way his eyes go dull and flat, the lines of his mouth tense, his face closed off, but there’s only so much of it he can take.

It messes with his concentration, makes him fumble his parts and screw up the choreography, and his constant messing up makes Gustavo’s face flush red in anger, the veins in his neck bulging with the force of his gritted teeth. It’s more than frustrating, has Logan walking around with his hands clenched into tight fists at his side, shaking his head at himself for letting James continue to get to him, and everything just snowballs out of control when Lizzie starts picking up on Logan’s frustration, moody and unwilling to settle.

Everyone’s tempers are flaring, irritation and frustration palpable in the dance studio, their moves so out of sync it’s almost like they’re strangers and have never done this before.

“God –” Gustavo cuts himself off there, remembering the little ears in the room. “Take five!” he shouts, throwing his arms up as he walks out of the studio.

James narrows his eyes at Logan, mouth twisted in a grimace, looking for all the world like all the problems they’re having are Logan’s fault, before turning and walking out, going to take his short break elsewhere.

Logan’s had enough. He’s had more than enough. He’s trying, okay? He says hi to James every morning, says bye before they leave for the day, keeps Lizzie away from him even though Lizzie doesn’t understand why she can’t go bother her Uncle James like she does with Kendall and Carlos, and it’s not fair that this is all on him. James isn’t even giving an inch to all the effort Logan’s putting in, and he’s so done with this.

“Keep an eye on Lizzie,” he tells Kendall and Carlos. “I’ll be right back.”

He stalks out of the dance studio, hot on James’ heels, following James to the music room where James collapses onto the beanbag, head tilted back, eyes locked on the ceiling.

Logan fidgets, nerves suddenly fleeing, not knowing what to say now that he’s actually alone with James.

“Do you need something?” James bites out, not tearing his gaze from the ceiling.

“Yeah, actually, I do,” Logan says, surprising himself at how calm his voice comes out. “Look,” he continues, blowing out a heavy sigh. “I can’t even begin to imagine how hard this situation must be for you, but while we’re here rehearsing, you’ve gotta stop letting it control your every thought, every action, because it’s messing us all up and we’re never going to get anything done at this rate.”

James snorts, shaking his head, but he doesn’t say anything in response.

“You can hate me all you want, James,” Logan says softly, the words bitter and unpleasant on his tongue, making his heart squeeze painfully in his chest, “but the way you’re acting towards Lizzie is unfair. She’s only four years old and none of this is her fault. I can’t – I can’t deal with the way you keep looking at her like you wish she didn’t exist, or acting like you’d rather be in Hell than around me and her. She’s my number one priority now.”

“Are you done?” James says, voice devoid of any emotion. “I’m pretty sure our five minute break is over.”

“No, I’m not done,” Logan says sharply.

“Yeah, well, I am,” James retorts, popping up onto his feet.

“That’s too bad, because I’m going to talk and you’re going to listen,” Logan fires back, all these words on his tongue fighting to get out and be heard.

When James doesn’t say anything, Logan takes a deep breath, his voice quiet when he says, “Do you think this wasn’t hard for me? Do you think that I suddenly stopped loving you, or that I didn’t want to come back? I _never_ stopped loving you, James, but I couldn’t come back after Lizzie was born.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore, Logan,” James says. “What’s done is done.”

“Don’t give me that bull. I know you better than anyone, and you can sit there and pretend you’re over it, or that you’re not hurt, but it’s all over your face just how much it does affect you.”

“Screw you, Logan,” James snaps out. “You don’t get to tell me how I feel anymore. You lost that right when you walked out the door, had a kid, and didn’t come back for five fucking years!”

“It’s not like I planned on it happening!” Logan shouts. “I was so messed up after I left. I had no idea what I was even doing. The first couple months, I think I spent more time out drinking than I did on anything else. Pretty screwed up, right? Me, of all people, burying myself at the bottom of a bottle because I was too stubborn to come back.” Logan shakes his head self-deprecatingly, chewing at his bottom lip before he continues. “And because that wasn’t enough of a bad idea, I – I picked up this girl. It was a stupid fling that meant nothing to me, just another way to bury the problems I didn’t want to face, and then she calls one day and tells me she’s pregnant. I didn’t – I didn’t want to believe it was mine. I mean, I’m not stupid, no matter how gone I was, I was sure to use protection. But, y’know, timeline fit. I wasn’t even sure what to do at that point, but the second the word abortion came out of her mouth, I did what I had to do. So, she gave birth to Lizzie, gave up all her parental rights, and I haven’t seen or heard from her since.”

“Right, okay,” James says, like he doesn’t believe a word of what Logan just said. “So you left to hook up with sleazy bargirls, awesome.” He lets out a small laugh, hysterical and disbelieving, moving to exit the room.

“Yes, James, that’s exactly why I left,” Logan says, sarcasm oozing out. “It was all part of my genius plan to ruin the best thing that ever happened to me!”

James scoffs and Logan can’t – he doesn’t.

“Tell me,” Logan says, licking his lips, heart ready to pound out of his chest. “If I didn’t love you, why would I name my daughter after your mother?”

“What?” James says, voice barely above a whisper. “B-but her name’s Lizzie,” he stutters out.

“Yeah,” Logan says, preparing himself to divulge Lizzie’s full name to someone other than his parents. “Brooke Elizabeth Mitchell, Lizzie for short.”

James is shocked speechless, his mouth opening and closing repeatedly.

“So don’t you stand there and try to insinuate that I ever stopped loving you,” Logan says around the lump in his throat, sparing one last glance at James before walking out of the room.

\--

It’s not like Logan expected his confession to make everything completely better, but he’s pretty satisfied with the way things are going right now. James seems a little looser, a little more relaxed, and the atmosphere at rehearsals is much more bearable. They’re slowly getting their synchronicity back, their choreography coming together like no time has passed at all.

James doesn’t seem quite as wary of Lizzie, doesn’t look at her as though he wishes she didn’t exist, but he hasn’t quite warmed to her the way Kendall and Carlos have. They dote on her completely, spoiling her no matter how many times Logan tells them not to.

It makes Logan nervous, watching Lizzie trail after James during their breaks, fully prepared for James to ignore her. James looks a little out of his element, his eyes darting around nervously, but whatever he says to Lizzie always seems to make her smile, filling Logan with a happy warmth that spreads through his body.

The first time Logan hears what Lizzie’s talking to James about, he can’t help but chuckle.

James is combing his hair back, bandanna clenched between his teeth, and Lizzie’s standing next to him, hands clasped behind her back, twirling from side to side. “What’s that?” she asks, head tilted to the side.

James slips his comb into his pocket, quickly tying the bandanna around his head, keeping his hair off his forehead. “What’s what?” he asks, tightening the knot at the base of his skull.

“That!” she says, pointing at the bandanna.

Logan refrains from cutting in to tell Lizzie that pointing is impolite, waiting for James to reply.

“It’s a – uh – it’s a bandanna,” James says. “Keeps my hair out of the way when I’m working out and stuff,” he explains.

“I want one,” Lizzie says, dramatically pushing back the curls framing her face.

James laughs softly, says, “How about I bring you one tomorrow?”

“Yay!” Lizzie shouts, wrapping her arms around James’ legs.

“Lizzie, what do you say?” Logan says, reminding her of her manners.

“Thank you?” It comes out more of a question than an answer, her tiny browns knit in contemplation.

“Don’t tell me, tell James,” Logan says.

“Thank you, Uncle James,” Lizzie says, resuming her hug.

James carefully pats her head, looking a little awkward and unsure of the affection he’s receiving. His eyes are lit up happily, a stark contrast to his body language, and Logan has to look away, unable to deal with the rush of emotions hitting him.

So, yeah, things are pretty good, and then they get better.

\--

It’s Carlos’ idea to have a barbecue, complaining how he rarely ever gets to use the awesome grill he bought last summer, saying how this is as good of a time as any to use it and get everyone together – everyone being the four of them, Lizzie, Katie, and Mrs. Knight.

Logan expects James to beg off, make some excuse as to why he can’t be there, so he’s pretty surprised when James steps out the patio doors, an easy smile on his face.

Everyone’s attention is on Lizzie, Carlos manning the grill, and Logan’s content to sit at the outdoor table Carlos has set up, the warmth of the sun nowhere near the warmth Logan feels at his family being together again.

“Hey,” James says softly, taking a seat in the chair diagonal from Logan.

“Hi,” Logan says, trying not to sound as eager as he feels at the idea of James actually sitting down and talking to him.

Logan keeps his eyes on Lizzie, smiling to himself at the sounds of Lizzie’s happy laughter and the way she kicks and squeals when Kendall lifts her up and flips her before setting her back on the ground.

“She’s a sweet kid,” James says, a fond look in his eyes as he watches Lizzie chase Kendall, barreling into him with enough momentum to send him to the grass-covered ground.

“She really is,” Logan says, then, “yeah, I mean, thank you,” his face flushing in embarrassment.

“Listen, Logan,” James says, the seriousness of his tone pulling Logan’s gaze away from Lizzie and onto him. “I wanted to apologize for how I acted before. I was – I dunno, upset? Hurt? Confused? And it was really hard for you to suddenly be back with a daughter and it just – it really messed me up, even more than when you were gone. I thought, y’know, I dunno, that you found some girl to settle down and make a happy family with, and even though that obviously wasn’t the case, nobody would tell me what was going on, so I didn’t really know what else to think.”

Logan can easily see how James came to that conclusion and he hates that James felt that way, had that kind of doubt in him, in them, but if the roles were reversed, he probably would’ve felt and thought the same thing.

“It’s alright,” Logan says, meeting James’ eye for a brief second before looking away. “I shouldn’t have stayed away for so long or gone so long without talking to any of you guys. It’s my fault for not telling you all sooner.”

“Hey, I’m not looking to lay the blame on anyone,” James says, spreading his hands out on the tabletop. “I just – I’m glad you finally did come back,” he continues, before softly adding, “even if things are way different than I’d hoped for.”

“Yeah, I’m glad I came back, too,” Logan replies quietly, stuck on James’ last words. It really brings home what Katie said, how James waited every day for him to come back so they could be together again, but he knows almost nothing could’ve prepared James for Logan to come back into his life with a four year old.

They’d never really talked about having kids before, still too young to really think about it at that time, but now that they’re slowly rebuilding their friendship, Logan figures it’s probably not a good time to bring it up. He knows, without a shadow of a doubt, that James is the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with, but it’s going to take time to get back to where they once were, if it’s even possible. He knows he has to think about his daughter before everything else, but his being with James would benefit her, too, growing up with two parents who love her very much – 

Logan has to stop his thoughts there, knowing he’s getting way ahead of himself. There’s no guarantee that James even wants to be with him now that Logan has a kid, and if that’s the case, he knows it’s a harsh reality he’ll have to face.

James carefully broaches the subject of what Logan’s been doing while he was away, and Logan’s more than happy to fill him in, trying to keep the talking about Lizzie to a minimum, only to find that it’s not exactly easy when practically his whole life revolves around her. Logan tells him about college, the late nights studying, how much his parents helped out when Lizzie was born – leaving out their scathing remarks and passive-aggressive judging –, Lizzie’s first steps, first words, anything and everything he can think of until he’s sure James is bored with how much he’s talking.

When he finally manages to stop talking, he asks James how his solo career is going and James positively lights up, talks about how music was a good outlet for him, how different it was being on stage alone, the rush of excitement and nerves he felt every time he took the stage, how amazed and proud he felt when his shows sold out and his albums went gold then platinum.

There really aren’t words to describe how Logan feels, sitting here talking to James again, the pieces of his heart slowly fitting themselves back together.

But, as Logan’s quickly finding out, the good can never last.

\--

“Hey, Logan, can you come in here for a minute?” Kelly asks, popping her head out of Gustavo’s office.

Logan looks up from where he’s sitting, Lizzie on the floor in front of him, coloring books and crayons spread out in front of her. They’re on their hour lunch break and Logan, Lizzie, and James are the only ones there, Kendall and Carlos having bolted out the door the second Gustavo told them they could take their lunch break.

“James, can you keep an eye on her?” Logan asks, and James looks up from he’s seated, styrofoam container he got from the food truck outside balanced on his lap.

“Yeah, sure,” James replies easily, closing the lid on the box and taking the seat Logan just vacated.

Logan follows Kelly into Gustavo’s office, closing the door behind them. “What’s up?” he asks, folding down into the chair in front of Gustavo’s desk.

“We just wanted to talk to you about Lizzie, what you’re going to do when the paps start lurking about trying to catch photos of Big Time Rush in preparation for their reunion show,” Kelly explains, sitting on the edge of the desk.

“I uh – I hadn’t really thought of that,” Logan says nervously. “I haven’t even seen any paps around since we got here, so it really hadn’t registered that I’d have to worry about it.”

“I’m honestly surprised the news of you having a daughter hasn’t made headlines yet,” Kelly says. “It’d crush millions of fangirls’ hearts.”

“I really don’t want it getting out,” Logan says truthfully, panic flooding his veins at the thought of people prying into his and Lizzie’s lives, especially the whereabouts of Lizzie’s mother, something Logan really couldn’t care less about.

Kelly’s cut off before she has the chance to vocalize whatever she was about to say, a loud crash followed by an unmistakable cry, and Logan’s out the door before he even realizes he’s moving, James’ face stark white as he tries to console a hysterical Lizzie.

“What the hell happened?” Logan shouts, fear gripping his insides at the sight of the gash across Lizzie’s forehead, the steady stream of blood spilling from it.

“I don’t – I don’t know,” James says, looking like he’s about to burst into tears at any moment. “She was just, she was running around even though I told her not to and she tripped and hit her head and god, I am so sorry, Logan.”

Logan bites his tongue at the curse words that want to come out, gritting his teeth painfully as he cradles Lizzie to his chest. “Hospital, now,” he tells James, quickly making his way outside, hoping like hell James is following behind him.

James catches up after a few seconds, handing Logan a towel to press against Lizzie’s forehead, steering him in the direction of his car.

All Logan can focus on is Lizzie, the pain written across her face, the tears steadily falling from her eyes, the hitch of her chest from the force of her sobs, the blood bright against the pale skin of her face.

James gets them to the hospital as quick as he can, the car barely in park before Logan’s throwing open the door and rushing inside, nerves a frazzled mess as he waits for someone to take him and Lizzie back to an exam room.

\--

Five stitches and a lot of tears later, Logan is beyond exhausted, Lizzie clinging tightly to him as her tears start to subside.

“Is she okay?” James asks, bounding out of the chair he’s been sitting in for what feels like hours.

“Just take me back to the studio so Carlos can take us home,” Logan says, cold and distant.

“Yeah, sure,” James says, following Logan out the emergency room doors.

Logan holds Lizzie to his chest the entire drive back to Rocque Records, soothing her with kisses to the top of her head and snippets of songs hummed under his breath. He’s careful not to jostle her too much when he climbs out of the car, not even bothering to look over his shoulder to see if James is following him.

Kendall and Carlos are sitting in the lobby, jumping to their feet when Logan enters. “What happened?” they ask simultaneously at the sight of the white bandage across Lizzie’s forehead.

“You’d have to ask James that,” Logan says, voice colored with hostility.

“I said I was sorry,” James says softly from behind him.

“Can you take us back to your house?” Logan asks Carlos, not even bothering to get Lizzie’s stuff together, hoping Kendall will do it for him and drop it off later.

“Yeah, of course,” Carlos replies, patting the pocket of his pants to check for his keys. “We leaving now?”

“Yeah,” Logan says, tuning out the sound of James telling Kendall what happened as he walks back down the hall to get outside.

\--

“What happened?” Carlos asks after Logan gets Lizzie settled in her bed, a random cartoon playing softly in the background.

“I don’t even know,” Logan replies, sighing. “I was in Gustavo’s office talking to him and Kelly about some stuff, and I left Lizzie with James out in the lobby. Next thing I knew, there was a crashing sound and Lizzie crying and when I got out there, she was laying on the floor, bleeding from her head.”

“She’s okay, though, right?” Carlos asks nervously, chewing at the inside of his lip.

“Yeah, she’s fine. No concussion or anything, but she had to get some stitches to close the wound.”

“That’s rough,” Carlos says. “Did James explain what happened?”

“He said she was running around even though he told her not to, and he said she tripped and hit her head.”

“You sound like you don’t believe him,” Carlos says carefully.

“No, it’s not that,” Logan says. “I do believe him. It’s just – I asked him to do me one small favor and he couldn’t even do it and Lizzie got hurt because of it.”

“She’s a kid, Logan,” Carlos says, trying to reason with him. “Kids are going to get hurt. You can’t protect her from every little thing in the world.”

“You wouldn’t understand,” Logan says, shaking his head. “You’re not a parent. You don’t know what it’s like to see your kid hurt and in pain.”

“Right, well, since I don’t understand, I’ll just go do something else,” Carlos says, lips turned down.

Logan tries to stop him, tries to apologize, but Carlos is already heading down the stairs and all Logan can do is mentally curse at himself for being such an ass to Carlos when he was only trying to help.

\--

Logan wakes up to a soft knocking on the doorframe of his room, his eyes opening slowly before he slams them shut at the sight of James standing there, Lizzie’s bag held in his hand.

“I know you’re awake,” James says, setting the bag down on the floor.

“Go away,” Logan says, not quite over his anger at James just yet.

“C’mon, Logan, I already feel like shit because of what happened. Don’t make me feel even worse.”

“You feel like shit?” Logan asks, his eyes flying open, sitting up so quick it makes him dizzy. “Imagine how she feels, James. She just had her head busted open and a needle pierce her skin repeatedly to close it up, all because you couldn’t do me one small favor and keep an eye on her.”

“That’s not fair, Logan. You can’t blame me for it,” James says shakily. 

“You were the one that was supposed to be keeping an eye on her!” Logan exclaims.

“It was an accident,” James says. “She’s a kid. She’s bound to get some bumps and bruises every now and again.”

Logan shakes his fiercely, barely resisting the urge to scream. “I don’t care if it was an accident. It could’ve been prevented if you would’ve just kept an eye on her.”

“What was I supposed to do, tie her to the sofa so she couldn’t move until you were done in Gustavo’s office?” James asks sarcastically.

“You could’ve done something, anything,” Logan replies, stomach churning at the flashes of Lizzie’s bloody forehead that zip through his head.

“I get that you’re upset and scared and worried, but I would never purposely let something bad happen to Lizzie,” James says fiercely, eyes suspiciously wet. “She is a huge part of you and no matter what has happened between us, I – no, y’know what, blame me if it makes you feel better. I’m out of here.”

“You what, James?” Logan implores, James halting just outside the doorway.

“Nothing,” James says tersely. “I’ll see you whenever.”

“James,” Logan grits out, fully prepared to haul James back in by his ear if he has to.

“What?” James bites out, returning to his position just inside the room.

“Finish what you were going to say,” Logan says, flirting the edge of pleading.

“Why? It’s not important. You wanted someone to blame, you can blame me. Simple as that.” James shrugs his shoulders, trying for all he’s worth to show that this isn’t hurting him, isn’t bothering him, but god, Logan knows him, knows just how much it is hurting him that Logan blamed him, and wow, does Logan suck or what?

“It’s not as simple as that, James,” Logan says. “Can you even – do you even know how terrifying that was for me as Lizzie’s parent to see her like that? No parent ever wants to see their kid injured and in pain.”

“Yes, Logan, I do know,” James spits, eyes blazing fire, “because I was just as fuh – fricken terrified seeing her like that. Yeah, I might not have the same connection you two have, but it still scared the hell out of me because I just want to protect her from every little thing and I don’t know why and it doesn’t make sense, but god, Logan, I didn’t mean for it to happen.”

“I know you didn’t,” Logan says, voice barely above a whisper. “But she’s my daughter, and when something like that happens, I’m going to be a little irrational about it.”

“You know me, Logan,” James says strongly, a fierce determination in his voice. “She’s your entire world, anyone with eyes can see that, and I would _never_ purposely let anything happen to her because, god help me, I still love you, and I love that little girl, too.”

Logan’s mouth drops open in shock, unable to believe what he heard. He didn’t – he doesn’t – “What?” he says, his heart a slow, hard thump in his chest.

James shakes his head, lips spread in a tight smile. “I’ll see you tomorrow at rehearsal.” He looks over at Lizzie, closes his eyes and walks away.

Logan’s too shocked to call after him, but he figures this is for the best right now. He needs to wrap his head around James’ confession, figure out what he’s going to do about it, how it’s going to change things. Despite the fact that he knows he still loves James, will always love James, he has Lizzie to think about. How’s she going to adapt to James’ presence? How are they even going to make it work after they’re done with the reunion show? Logan doesn’t have any plans on moving back to L.A. full-time, and with James’ solo career, it’s doubtful that he’d want to move back to Minnesota with Logan.

Maybe love isn’t enough to conquer everything.

Logan’s distracted the rest of the day, barely able to think about anything other than James’ confession and rousing Lizzie every few hours to make sure she’s okay. She’s extra clingy when she does wake up, whimpering and pouting until Logan finally carries her, and when he has to clean her stitches, the words that come out of Lizzie’s mouth almost knock him over.

“Nooo, Daddy, hurts,” Lizzie cries, flinching away from Logan’s touch.

“I have to clean your cut, baby, or it’ll get worse,” Logan tells her, touching the cotton ball to the neat line of stitches on her forehead.

Lizzie bats his hands away, a gut-wrenching sob leaving her little body. “Want Uncle James,” she shouts between sobs and sniffles, and the cotton ball Logan’s holding in his hand falls to the floor.

“Please, baby, just let me clean your cut,” Logan says after a moment, ignoring the way his heart and stomach are somersaulting.

“Noooo,” Lizzie howls, kicking out, repeating her want for James.

Logan sighs, hoisting Lizzie onto his hip and leaving the bathroom, walking downstairs in search of Carlos. Logan finds him in the kitchen eating an apple over the counter, brows knit as he stares down at his phone.

“You busy?” Logan asks, setting Lizzie down on the counter.

“Nah, what’s up?” Carlos says, tossing the apple core into the garbage.

“Can you uh – can you call James and tell him to come over?” Logan asks nervously, staring at the cupboard over Carlos’ head, not wanting to see the expression on Carlos’ face.

“You’re not gonna beat him up, are you?” Carlos asks, leery, fingers flying over the screen of his phone.

Logan snorts out a laugh. “No, Carlos, I’m not. I need to clean Lizzie’s stitches, but every time I try to, she starts kicking and crying for James,” he explains, sighing.

“I – oh,” Carlos says, just as astonished as Logan.

“Yeah, I know,” Logan replies. “I didn’t realize how attached she was to him.”

“But that’s good, though, right?” Carlos questions.

“I – I don’t really know,” Logan says softly. He wants to chalk it up to the trauma Lizzie went through and the fact that James was the one there when it happened, but he knows it’s more than that. The way she follows him around and asks him all kinds of questions is so different from how she is with Kendall and Carlos and even Katie, and at first Logan thought it was just because James was a new person for her to talk to, but he can see how much Lizzie adores him and it’s truthfully scaring him a bit. What’s going to happen when they go back home?

The door opens and closes and Logan turns around to see James approaching, apprehensive and confused. “Everything okay?” he asks when he gets closer, looking from Logan to Lizzie to Carlos.

Lizzie sniffles and lifts her head, her big eyes round and wet, reaching out in James’ direction.

James steps in closer, looking at Logan for some sign of what to do and when Logan only gives him a small nod, James closes the distance between himself and Lizzie, lifting her easily and cradling her to his chest. “What’s wrong Lizzie bear?” he asks softly, his hand big against Lizzie’s back.

“Hurts,” Lizzie whines, arms wrapped tight around James’ neck.

“What hurts?” James asks her.

“Head does,” Lizzie says sadly, hiccupping.

“I needed to clean her stitches,” Logan explains, “and every time I tried, she’d start kicking and screaming for you.”

James looks shocked, but more than that, he looks absolutely delighted, his eyes bright and happy. He clears his throat, asks, “Did you still need to clean them?”

“Yeah,” Logan says. “I figured maybe she’d let me do it if you were here.”

“Doesn’t hurt to try,” James says, shrugging as much as he can with Lizzie in his arms.

Logan quickly runs upstairs to grab the antiseptic, cotton balls, and gauze, spreading them out on the kitchen counter, barely even noticing that Carlos isn’t there anymore. James sits on a stool, Lizzie on his lap, his arms wrapped around her midsection as Logan pins her hair back, carefully making sure her hair isn’t tugging at any of her stitches.

“Ready?” Logan asks, and James nods, already shushing and soothing Lizzie before Logan even touches the cotton ball to her forehead.

It’s quick and easy now with James there and Lizzie barely makes any noise at all.

“That wasn’t so bad, was it?” James asks Lizzie when Logan’s done, digging the tips of his fingers into the soft flesh of Lizzie’s belly, tickling until she’s gasping with laughter.

“Thank you, James,” Logan says softly, honest and heartfelt, busying himself with cleaning up.

“Anything for the princess,” James says, and Logan knows without a doubt that he absolutely means it. “So, hey,” he starts nervously, pausing to bite his lip before he continues, “can I uh – can I take you guys out for um, i-c-e c-r-e-a-m?”

“That’s probably not a good idea,” Logan says, James’ face falling before Logan realizes what he implied. “What about tomorrow, after rehearsal?” he suggests quickly. “Just, y’know, she needs to rest today, is all.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re right,” James says. “But tomorrow, yeah, tomorrow’ll work.”

“Alright,” Logan says, lips spread wide in a smile, heart close to bursting at the sight of Lizzie held protectively in James’ arms.

“Mind if I stick around for a while?” James asks hesitantly.

“I think Lizzie would like that,” Logan replies, blinking back tears of happiness.

James smiles at him in response, soft and fond, before turning his attention back to Lizzie, asking her what she’d like to do.

So maybe things aren’t the way they were before Logan left, and maybe they’ll never be that way again, but looking at James and Lizzie now, he’s filled with all the hope in the world that things will be even better this time around.

And to think, he almost let this slip away. What a fool he was to think he could possibly live without James.

As for what’ll happen after the reunion show is done and over with, well, they’ll overcome that obstacle when they get to it. For now, Logan’s content to sit back and watch James and Lizzie color, the two loves of his life smiling brightly back at him.


	5. Epilogue

\--  
 _Epilogue – 1 month later_  
\--

Logan carries Lizzie down the stairs, her sleepy head resting against his neck. He feels just as tired as she does, his arms and legs and abs sore from the last minute workouts Gustavo’s been putting them through in preparation for the concert.

If he never has to run another mile or do another set of crunches, it’ll be too soon.

He follows the noise out to the backyard, lips spreading into a smile on their own when he sees James already sitting there, talking animatedly to Carlos who’s standing at the grill, waving the tongs around in his hand to emphasize whatever he’s saying.

Lizzie pulls her head up at the noise, blinking sleepily before she starts kicking and says, “Daddy, down,” flailing her arms and legs until Logan sets her down. She immediately runs to James, climbing into his lap and resting her head against his chest.

“Hey there, princess,” James says softly, swooping in to press a kiss to the Lizzie’s forehead. “You look so pretty.”

Lizzie preens at the praise, smoothing her hands over the ruffles of her skirt, the skirt that James bought her, along with the rest of her outfit. It’s a deep purple with thin, gauze-like ruffles and a silver and glittered waistband, paired with a white tank top and a light blazer that matches the color of her skirt. Her messy curls were pinned back in a braid that’s come undone during her nap, and now they’re falling freely around her face and down her back.

“Thank you,” Lizzie says politely, smiling up at James.

Logan quietly makes his way over to James and Lizzie, ruffling James’ hair as he walks by, dropping down in the chair beside him.

“Hey!” James shouts half-heartedly, batting Logan’s hand away, but his face lights up and his lips spread into a smile, a soft, fond look in his eyes as he meets Logan’s gaze.

Logan winks before turning his attention to Carlos. “Where’s everybody else?” he asks, folding his hands on top of his stomach.

“Um, they should be here soon,” Carlos says. “Mrs. Knight was just finishing up a salad when Kendall called about fifteen minutes ago.”

“Oh, okay,” Logan replies. “Did you need any help over there?”

“Nah, I’m good,” Carlos says, shaking his head. “Why don’t you guys go play with Lizzie on the playset?”

Despite Logan’s protests and firm disapproval, Carlos went and bought Lizzie a playset, complete with a slide and swings and a little climbing wall. It was entirely too expensive and no matter how many times Logan told Carlos to take it back, that Lizzie really didn’t need it, Carlos still set it up and built it every day after rehearsals until it was finished.

“Yeah, Daddy, c’mon,” Lizzie says, sliding off James’ lap and holding out her hand for him.

“How ‘bout James takes you instead, princess. I’m gonna talk to Uncle Carlos for a minute, okay?”

Lizzie frowns for a moment, but when James rises out of his seat and takes Lizzie’s hand, she smiles instantly and starts pulling him along.

Before Lizzie manages to pull him away, James leans in toward Logan and brushes their lips together, soft and barely there. “Didn’t think you were gonna get away without kissing me hello, did you?” he asks playfully.

Logan swallows bashfully and shakes his head, the familiar heat of a blush rising to his cheeks. “Shoo,” he says, playfully swatting James’ arm, James’ eyes glued to his mouth as he swipes over his bottom lip with his tongue.

James clears his throat and nods, swooping Lizzie up into his arms and darting across the lawn to deposit her on a swing.

“You don’t have to stay over here, y’know,” Carlos says, not looking up from he’s rotating the brats on the grill.

“Yeah, I know,” Logan replies, shrugging a shoulder. “Just figured we could talk or something. Hasn’t really been much time that.”

Carlos nods his head minutely in agreement, closing the lid of the grill and wiping his hands clean. “Yeah, we can do that,” he says, dropping into the chair James was sitting in. He jerks his head in James’ direction and asks, “How’re things going with James?”

Logan turns his head to watch James and Lizzie playing, a pleasant, happy warmth filling him up. “Things are good,” he says, turning back to Carlos.

For the most part, it’s the truth. Outside of rehearsals, there really isn’t much time to spend together. Logan’s usually sore and exhausted by the time he and Lizzie get back to Carlos’ house, and the only thing he wants to do is curl up and sleep forever. He forgot how physically demanding performing is, the ever present ache as his muscles readapt to the rigorous choreography reminding him he’s not as in shape as he used to be.

They’ve managed to go out a few times: a trip to James’ favorite ice cream parlor and to the park twice, somehow miraculously staying under the pap’s radar. Logan’s pretty sure once they play the reunion show, all that privacy is going to go right out the window.

He was pretty nervous about taking Lizzie out for ice cream with James, afraid the paparazzi would surely follow James around and snap pictures of the three of them, but the afternoon went as smooth as it could, not a paparazzo in sight.

So, yeah, things are good. They’re taking it day by day, testing the waters to see how Lizzie reacts to the three of them together, and so far, there haven’t been any problems. Lizzie absolutely adores James, tries to stick to his side like glue even when they’re in rehearsal, and instead of James telling her that they’re busy, that she has to wait a few minutes before he’s able to play with her, he caters to her every whim, modifying the choreography so he can dance with her perched on his hip until they take a break so he can color with her or read to her.

Logan knows he’s lucky, knows there was just as much of a chance that James wouldn’t have wanted anything to do with him and Lizzie, and he thanks every powerful being in the universe that things didn’t turn out that way.

“What about you?” Logan asks. “Everything’s been so focused on me and Lizzie and James since we got here, and despite me staying here, we haven’t really talked about what you’ve been up to the last few years.”

“Oh, y’know, a little of this, a little of that,” Carlos says, eyes darting around nervously.

“Wow, that was real informative, man,” Logan says, snorting out a laugh.

Carlos sighs. “I haven’t really done much, honestly. I did some stunt work for some movies and I help Gustavo with security whenever he needs it.”

“That doesn’t sound too bad,” Logan replies. “Did you not like being a stuntman?”

“It was alright,” Carlos says, “but after breaking and bruising some ribs a second time it stopped being fun.”

“Huh, yeah. I can see that,” Logan says thoughtfully. “What about –”

Logan’s cut off by the sound of the patio door sliding open, the Knights spilling out with bowls clutched in their hands. He’s pretty certain the look on Carlos’ face can only be one of relief and it has him itching to figure out what Carlos is being so secretive about. He immediately feels guilty at that, knowing he really doesn’t have a right to pry because of how long he stayed away and kept Lizzie a secret, but he doesn’t want there to be any secrets anymore, wants the others to learn from his mistakes.

It’s a surprise to Logan when he sees Carlos’ parents spilling out behind Mrs. Knight, and it completely blindsides him when Mrs. Diamond follows. He holds his breath and closes his eyes, opening them slowly to find his parents looking right back at him.

Welp. He certainly didn’t imagine this happening today.

Lizzie’s squeals are downright deafening, escalating in pitch until she stops to take a breath. “Gamma! Gampa!” she shouts, jumping up and down in front of them.

Everyone’s attention is on Lizzie, Mrs. Diamond’s and the Garcias’ face full of confusion.

“Hey, there, angelface,” Mr. Mitchell says, hoisting Lizzie up and wrapping her in a hug.

Carlos quietly excuses himself, taking his position back in front of the grill, smiling sheepishly when Logan looks over at him.

“Daddy, look!” Lizzie calls out, and Logan tamps down the rush of nervousness coiling in his stomach, pushing out of his seat and moving to stand in front of his parents.

Carlos’ parents are hovering close by and he can see the way they’re itching to ask about Lizzie, but his attention is focused on James’ mom, her eyes darting back and forth between Logan, Lizzie, and James, a look of sheer confusion and displeasure on her face.

“She’s yours?” Mrs. Garcia asks nervously, pulling Logan’s attention away from Mrs. Diamond.

“Hm? Oh, yeah, she’s mine,” Logan says, holding his arms out for Lizzie, propping her up on his hip when his dad transfers her over. “Can you say hi, Lizzie?”

Lizzie waves shyly, hiding her face in Logan’s neck.

“She’s beautiful,” Mrs. Garcia says, smiling softly at Lizzie’s shyness.

“Thank you,” Logan replies, turning back to his parents. “I didn’t know you guys were coming.”

“It was kind of a last minute thing,” his mom says. “Carlos called a couple days ago, said everyone was getting together this weekend before your concert later in the week and that he’d really like it if we could fly in and be here.”

“That’s cool. I’m glad you guys could make it,” Logan says, heartfelt and honest, ready to mend the damaged aspects of his relationship with his parents. “Lizzie’s glad you’re here, too. She’s missed you guys a lot.”

“We’ve missed you both,” his dad says, lips quirking up into a smile. “How’s everything been going lately?”

“Things are really good,” Logan says, searching out James, a cold dread clogging his veins when he sees James and Mrs. Diamond arguing heatedly. He has the feeling things aren’t as good now.

“Did you manage to take care of the things you needed to?” Mr. Mitchell asks, his tone not at all gentle.

“Yep, I did,” Logan says, a little smugly, a burst of satisfaction zipping through him at the shocked look on his dad’s face. “Everything’s as awesome as it can be.”

“And James is okay with everything?” Mrs. Mitchell asks hesitantly, searching for James.

“He is,” Logan says with a nod of his head. “I mean, it was rocky in the beginning and I didn’t think we’d ever talk again, but we talked and I told him everything that happened and, y’know, it wasn’t easy, but we’re slowly rebuilding what we had. It helps that Lizzie really loves him, and he really does love her, too.”

“So, you guys are…?”

“Together? Pretty much, yeah,” Logan says, unable to stop smiling.

“That’s good, son,” his dad says. “I’m glad for you both.”

“Me, too,” Logan says softly. “I should’ve listened to you guys in the beginning. It would’ve been so much easier, then, if I had. Five years was a long time to wait. Any longer and I probably would’ve lost any chance of reconciliation with James.”

“Listen, son,” Mr. Mitchell begins. “I know we may have pushed you too hard, pushed you a little too much, made it seem like we were disappointed in you and your choices, but we only ever wanted what was best for you, and being here, with Carlos, Kendall, and especially James, that’s what’s best for you. And with Lizzie now, that hasn’t changed. This is where you belong, with your best friends and boyfriend.”

Logan swallows hard around the lump in his throat, shifting Lizzie to his other hip and burying his face in her curls, letting the soft smell of her clean shampoo calm him. “Yeah, I know,” he says hoarsely, blinking rapidly to stop the prickling in his eyes.

“You did good, Logan,” Mr. Mitchell says, clapping Logan on the shoulder. “Now give me my grandbaby.”

Logan laughs shakily and hands Lizzie back to his dad, excusing himself to give them time to spend with her as he searches for James.

James isn’t anywhere outside, and, looking around, Mrs. Diamond isn’t, either. Logan quietly slips in through the patio door, tip-toeing through the kitchen, straining his ears to catch any sounds only to be met with utter silence. He keeps moving anyway, straight through to the living room, and there James sits, his head in his hands.

Logan approaches quietly, placing a hand on the center of James’ back as he sits down next to him. “Everything alright?” he asks, dreading the answer.

James snorts, lifting his head and shaking it. “Just my mother being her overbearing self, as usual.”

“Where’d she go?” Logan asks. “I didn’t see her outside.”

“She left,” James says. “Said she didn’t want to see me destroy my life.”

“I take it she wasn’t thrilled with Lizzie,” Logan guesses.

“That would be fairly accurate,” James says. “She said something about how I shouldn’t have to live with your mistakes, that my life shouldn’t suffer because of what you did, but what does she know? She’s only ever taken an interest in my life when it suits her, when she needs me for something, or when my actions might make her look bad. She has no right to tell me what I can and can’t do with my life.”

James is thrumming with anger, the line of his back tense, face flushed hotly, and as much as Logan wants Mrs. Diamond to accept Lizzie, to accept the precious little girl he named after her out of his love for James, he’s fairly certain now that it isn’t going to happen. It upsets him, sure, but it makes him even angrier that she’s trying to control James’ life, trying to tell him what’s right and wrong, throwing another fucking roadblock in their way when they’ve overcome so much in such a short time already.

“It’ll be alright,” Logan says, trying to calm James down. “Lizzie and I aren’t going anywhere.”

“Yeah, I know,” James says, blowing out a deep breath, his muscles slowly relaxing. “I just hate how she does this. Why can’t she just let me be happy with the way I’m living my life?”

Logan hates how James sounds so much younger than he is, his voice small like they’ve been thrown back in time ten years and Mrs. Diamond’s trying to take James back to Minnesota with her.

“C’mon,” Logan says, “I’m sure everyone’s wondering where we went off to.” He stands and holds out his hand, twining his fingers with James’ and leading them through Carlos’ house back outside, Lizzie quickly making their way over to them.

James’ entire body relaxes as he lifts Lizzie, fingers tickling the soft flesh of her belly as he plants kiss after kiss to her forehead, and Logan doesn’t care that Mrs. Diamond isn’t accepting of his relationship with James, of Lizzie, because right here, this is everything he needs, his entire family surrounding him, smiles on their faces as they eat and relive their youth, preparing themselves for whatever lies ahead.

\--

Three days later, the lights flicker on, the stage aglow in bright colors, the beat that started it all blasting through the arena. Logan looks over at James, at Lizzie in the front row with his parents, and he takes a deep breath, the words leaving his lips familiar as breathing.

This is his life: Logan Mitchell, proud father, proud boyfriend, and he couldn’t be any happier.


End file.
